Heat Playoffs: Heat Close Out 76ers, on to Boston

Dwyane Wade scored 26, Chris Bosh added 22, and LeBron James finished two assists shy of a triple-double in last night's 97-91 win over the Philadelphia 76ers.

But more important, we finally have the answer to the question: Who should have the ball in his hands when the game is on the line at crunch time? Apparently it's Joel Anthony. 

Anthony knocked down a pair of free throws with 16 seconds left in regulation, giving the Heat the breathing room they needed to seal the Game 5 win and take the series from the pesky-ass 76ers. Screw 911 -- just call THE WARDEN!

Not to be outdone by Anthony in the whole "Who the fuck are these guys?" vibe of the evening, Mario Chalmers came off the bench and threw down six of 12 three-pointers for 20 points, giving the Heat their first 20-point scorer this postseason not named Wade, Bosh, or LeBron. Chalmers going off and scoring double-digits -- it's like finding an onion ring inside your order of fries!

But it wasn't an easy win by any means.

The day got off to a fantastic start when, during a media session hours before the game, LeBron James alluded to a Jay-Z lyric, saying the team's focus now was all about "finishing our breakfast." And because anything LeBron says or does nowadays throws the entire world into an irrational fit of blind rage, everyone took the quote and ran with it and made a big thing of it, as they are wont to do in their seething hatred for all things LeBron James. 

Gasp! LeBron compared a .500 team that has beaten Miami only once in its last 11 tries to breakfast! You know the Nazis used to compare the Jews to breakfast! True story!

Then the game began and, once again, Erik Spoelstra went with a starting lineup of Big Z Treebeard and Mike Bibby's reanimated carcass. And, once again, the athletic 76ers took advantage and jumped to a double-digit lead to start off the game.

To make matters shittier, LeBron went one for six to start the game, giving him a total of three points in the first half. (Holy fuck nuggets, this puts Chalmers' performance in perspective!) 

The 76ers simply kept coming, even when Miami took the lead. Led by Andre Iguodala's 22 points and ten rebounds, Philadelphia went from scrappy never-say-die bunch to an irritating opponent that just wouldn't die already.

Elton Brand, whose career now resembles fat Elvis, suddenly came alive and scored 22 points. And point guard Jrue Holiday proved to be a pest with his quick moves to the basket and timely jump shots. It made as much sense as spelling Drew with a J. But there it was. The Heat were in for a fight.

Eventually Miami got their shit together, and Wade, Bosh, and LeBron all played crucial roles down the stretch to pull away and get the series-closing victory. The biggest contribution came from the Heat's three-point shots. As a team, Miami went 12 for 30 from beyond the arc. In a word, tits. Because without those threes, we'd probably be talking about how the Heat are on the verge of a collapse and how LeBron is still a choker and how he hates baby seals.

Now it's on to the next round. And the Heat are gonna need a bigger douche boat. The Boston Celtics come into town Sunday for the semifinals showdown that everyone's been waiting for. Will Boston's 3-1 season record be a factor? Will Miami take advantage of an old Celtics team? Which players will Kevin Garnett "inadvertently" slap in the balls?

Stay tuned!

Game 1 against the Celtics is Sunday at 3:30 p.m.

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