Heat Miss Roughly A Billion Free Throws, Lose Battle of Lob Cities

In a game that was billed as Lob City East vs. Lob City West, the Heat lost mostly thanks to their inability to hit free throws, as well as some pretty shitty officiating, giving them their second overtime loss in two nights as they fell to the LA Clippers 95-89. It was also the second straight night where an ex-teammate decided he was Larry Bird and killed the Heat, with former Heater Caron Butler dropping 20 points on Miami.

Oh shit! The Miami Heat lost! Again! LeBropocalypse!

Clippers star point guard Chris Paul went batshit on Miami, scoring 27 points and making a key assist at the end to lead LA from a five point deficit, and forcing overtime where they eventually kicked us all in the dick while we were half asleep.

And while everyone will blast LeBron James today for another late-game disappearance, the truth is, just like the night before, all three of the Big Three were responsible for the flying bags of shit left all over the court.

James led the Heat with 23 points and 13 rebounds (the 200th double-double of his career). Dwyane Wade dropped 17 and Chris Bosh added 16 points and 11 rebounds. But neither of them could hit a shot down the stretch, combining for 3-for-8 from the field, while the rest of the team went 4-for-12. The team was also an x-tra large U-Haul moving box of ass from the free throw line, missing 14 from the charity stripe and eventually losing by 6 points. James missed 8 of those 14. Cocksocks! A PAIR OF COCKSOCKS FOR EVERYONE!

For the second night in a row, the Heat went into overtime. And while overtime can be fun because, hey extra basketball!, it fucking BLOWS when it comes during West Coast games and you're not a jobless hippie. These West Coast games usually end at 5:24 am when they don't go to overtime. Last night's game ended fifteen minutes ago.

In OT, Paul and the Clippers outscored Miami 9-3 while the Heat went 1 for 10 and Billy Crystal's wife danced a jig from their half court seats. I STILL WANT MY MONEY BACK FOR MY GIANT, ASSHOLE.

The Big Three missed a combined seven shots in overtime, and head coach Erik Spoelstra was ejected with five seconds remaining when he had enough of the bullshit calls from the refs, and yelled out "Fuck you!" at one of them, which was kinda neat.

During the post game presser (yup, I stayed up to watch the post-game presser, because I'm a fucking mongoloid) Wade told the media, "We haven't missed this many free throws on this team, probably ever."

No shit.

So the Heat suffer their first back-to-back losses of the season, and everyone's concern now is their inability to hit free throws and another late-game collapse. But it is January. And none of this shit will matter come June. Hopefully. Maybe. For sure.

But, because it's the Heat, every loss is magnified and every mistake scrutinized. The fans freak the fuck out and the Haters throw a parade and go midget tossing.

Panic, don't panic. Be a douche, don't be a douche. I'm honestly too tired to give a shit.

Seriously, these West Coast swings can eat a hardy bowl of dick soup.

The Heat next go to Denver on Friday to take on the Nuggets for yet another 10:30 p.m. start....

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Chris Joseph