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Heat Loses to the Celtics at Home, Falls Three Games Behind Number One Seed

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LeBron James scored a game-high 36 points last night, while the rest of the Miami Heat stood and watched as the Boston Celtics shot 60 percent from the floor in yet another listless-shit-the-bed-let's-all-go-outside-and-punt-a-litter-of-kittens-loss by the Heat.

Rajon Rondo once again had his way against the Heat defense, dishing out 18 assists and also hitting some three-pointers, which, even if you've watched the Celtics play basketball for only a combined two minutes your entire life, you would know that RONDO NEVER HITS THREES, FOR CHRIST.

Of course, because it was the Heat, he did. And the Celts beat the Heat for the second time in two weeks, 115-107.

Kevin Garnett, meanwhile, is apparently still mostly not dead and somehow dropped 24 points on Miami, adding nine rebounds. At one point in the fourth, KG made 11 of 14. Paul Pierce added 27 points.

Chris Bosh, meanwhile, continues to play basketball like he was shot in the face with a water pistol filled with cat piss. And while Dwyane Wade had an excellent first half and finished the night with 20 points, he still went only nine-for-21, missing layups and doing that insufferable thing he does when he doesn't get a foul called his way and he yells at the official while the rest of his teammates play four-on-five basketball at the other end of the court.

The Celtics pretty much made every shot they put up. Doc Rivers used eight players on the night, and all of them made multiple shots by halftime. Erik Spoelstra, meanwhile, continued to throw guys into the game and take them out after three minutes. He even sent out Norris Cole, who has been mired in a zero-for-gazillion slump and has been playing defense like a chicken on acid.

No team had shot more than 55 percent against the Heat this season, until last night, when the C's shot 60 percent and scored 115 in Miami's house. There have been many frustrating losses this season for the Heat. But none more than last night's, which not only magnified Miami's second-half-of-the-season struggles (trouble guarding the one spot, can't rebound, can't defend the three, can't make threes, Chris Bosh's corpse, Mike Miller's corpse, Norris Cole's corpse, Shane Battier's flying sacks of poop) but also officially establishes the Celtics as THE team the Heat least wants to face in the playoffs. Not just because they're peaking at the right time and are an extremely dangerous team, but also because they're the douchiest.

The loss, coupled by a Chicago win against the Knicks last night, puts the Heat three games back for the number one seed in the East.

The Heat will visit the Chicago Bulls Thursday night in what is sure to be yet another punch-your-granny-in-the-groin-frustrating game. Or not. Maybe. We'll see. Tip-off is at 8 p.m.

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