For pretty much the entirety of last night's game against the Phoenix Suns, the Miami Heat played basketball like old people fuck. Winners of their last four games, the Suns came in shooting lights-out and playing suffocating defense. Dwyane Wade was shut down by Grant Hill, while LeBron James was knocked around by hard fouls. And every time the Heat looked to make a run, the Suns would clamp down and hit their shots with ease.
Then, down by 10 with 7:13 remaining in the game, the Heat finally found some fucks they could give stashed under their bench, and put on a furious rally that eventually got them the 99-95 victory.
D-Wade got off to cocktacular start. Held down by Phoenix's defense, Wade didn't even attempt a shot until late in the second quarter. And when he did finally try to get his offense going, he missed jumpers, blew layups, and did that thing where he screams during a missed shot to get the refs to call a foul in his favor. But nothing was working for him.
Meanwhile, James's game was thrown out of whack when he took a stinger to his right elbow in the first quarter, leaving it numb for the rest of the game, and making his jump shots look like he was tossing up ziploc bags filled with piss.
But thanks to one Christopher Wesson Bosh, the Heat were never really out of it, even with the Suns seemingly hitting every goddamn shot. Bosh scored 13 points in the first quarter, and finished the night with a game-high 29 points. He also grabbed 8 rebounds, got two steals, and wailed like an angry raptor who was kept waiting too long at the drive-thru window for his Frosty.
In fact, the key element for success lately has been getting Bosh to a quick start while the other two got their dongs ready for the closing salvo. In the first quarters of the last three victories Bosh has gone full-on BoshBalls, scoring 31 points on 12-of-15 shooting. And last night, it was his early shooting that kept Miami afloat.
It was a good thing too. Because the Suns were bringing it. And, as has been the case all season long, guys no one has ever heard of decided to have a career night against Miami. Last night's "Marginal NBA Player To Go Off On The Heat" honors went to Markieff Morris, who came in averaging 3.1 points per game, but dropped 12 points on Miami's defense.
Late in the fourth quarter, with the Heat flailing around like a moose hit by a tranquilizer, and the Suns pulling away, things looked bleak. Then, Erik Spoelstra remembered that he had LeBron James sitting on the bench doing nothing, and decided to get him back into the game with Miami down by 10. It was a good move, because that's when shit started to get bananas.
Led by James and a stifling Heat defense, Miami went into a 17-0 pants party explosion with seven minutes remaining. Udonis Haslem grabbed rebounds, made foul shots, and saved a baby from a burning building, finishing the night with 15 points and 9 rebounds. Meanwhile, D-Wade finally found his groove. After LeBron told Marcin Gortat to get that shit outta here, blocking a hook shot attempt by the Suns power forward, the Heat were able to grab the loose ball, and got it to Wade who hit one his patented late-game fuck yea! and-1 shots, putting the Heat up 95-90.
Then, with less than two minutes remaining, LeBron hit a jumper -- shitty elbow and all -- to put the Heat up by seven and sealing the win for Miami BECAUSE HE ISN'T CLUTCH.
James was also involved in a scary moment when he violently collided with Grant Hill in the closing moments of the game. LeBron was down for a while, and although he says he was fine, doctors will be checking him for signs of a concussion. Amazingly, he got up on his own and finished off the game. More amazingly, Grant Hill didn't explode into dust when he crashed into LeBron.
The Heat have now won 14 straight at home.
The Heat visit the Detroit Pistons on Friday. Tip-off is at 7:30 p.m.
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