Heat Beats Bucks in Game One Behind 27 From LeBron (and Support From Rihanna)

Operation Defend the Throne got off to a businesslike start Sunday night as the Miami Heat kicked off the playoffs with a 110-87 game one victory over the Milwaukee Bucks. The Heat never trailed, with LeBron James leading the way with 27 points, ten rebounds, and eight assists in 35 minutes of play -- and seemingly needed to push the pedal to the medal only in a few instances. Ray Allen came off the bench to score 20 in 29 minutes, even though he connected on just two of eight threes he took.

All night long it was a case of Miami chasing around Monte Ellis and Brandon Jennings, whose fucks-giving bucket is empty when it comes to launching ridiculous low-percentage threes.

The duo combined for 48 of the team's 87 points, firing off a combined 16 threes and making just five of them. The two were the only players to score in double digits for the Bucks, mainly because they were constantly throwing the basketball in the general direction of the rim.

While the Heat led the entire way, the game wasn't completely in hand until Chris Andersen ignited a third-period barrage of about five dunks in what felt like 30 seconds of play. Andersen finished with ten points on 4-4 shooting, while pulling down seven important rebounds, seemingly shoving 5-Hour Energy shots up his teammates' asses the minute his feet touched the floor.

The victory means the Bucks must win four of the next five games against the Heat for Brandon Jennings' "Bucks in Six" prediction to come true. In related news, I need only seven more testicles to have nine and only 47 more nipples to get to my goal of 49 nipples -- so we both have realistic shots at this thing.

If you are playing Where in the World Is Mike Dunleavy? at home, he is playing for Milwaukee and had five points. I had no idea he was still in the NBA. Let's be real, though -- I need to be reminded that Milwaukee is still in the NBA every week, so it's a perfect fit.

Rihanna took in the game courtside and rooted for the Heat, so that was a thing that happened. Rumor is that fans complained that she constantly kept asking, "What's My Name, What's My Name," and that an usher had to write it on her hand for her at halftime.

The series pushes on to game two this Tuesday at the AAA, where Deers go to Deer Heaven.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi