Heat Beat Lakers, Snap Five-Game Losing Streak

​The Miami Heat beat the Los Angles Lakers Thursday night 94-88, snapping a season-high five-game losing streak.

Everybody can unclench their assholes now.

After what has been a nightmare week for Heat fans, and an absolute delight for Heat Haters everywhere, Miami not only beat the defending champs for the second time this season, they also managed to snap L.A.'s eight-game winning streak in the process. Maybe now the Heat-hating media will cover this big win for the Heat instead of some arbitrary thing that has no significance or impact on the season whatsoever. Oh for Christ, media! Really?

Just before tipoff, Lakers head coach Phil Jackson proved once again what a passive aggressive dipshit he is by calling the Heat's offense X-Box basketball. Because he teaches his players to play like a team. This coming from a guy who has a dude on his team that takes 8,976 shots a game and never passes the ball. Nicely played, Lerch!

But Miami's so-called X-Box offense was able to put up 94 points on the Zen Master's team, with LeBron, Wade and Bosh combining for 63 points and, more importantly, 12 points coming from someone not named LeBron, Wade, or Bosh: Mike Miller.

The game was tight throughout, with both teams going on mini-runs only to have the other come storming back.

But with 2:26 to go, things got crazy. Kobe Bryant answered a Miami run with a 28-foot three pointer that tied the game, and silenced the Miami faithful. Bryant strutted down the court with his jaw jutting out, as if to tell everyone that he's a cold-blooded assassin. Dwyane Wade must not have liked that, because he answered with a screen and roll bucket of his own. Then, as Bryant tried to take control of the game again, D-Wade stripped him of the basketball and flung it to a streaking LeBron James who flushed it down with authority (see video below).

Miami would go up by four after that and never look back as LeBron iced it with a pair of free throws with 19 seconds remaining.

Wade finished the night with 20 points, while Chris Bosh led all scorers with 24.

The most important part of this win is the Heat snapped a bad losing streak. But the most satisfying part of the win is imagining every Heat Hater in the country flinging a shoe at their television as the clock wound down to seal the victory. But don't feel too bad for them. They'll be back as soon as the Heat lose again. The Heat Haters are nothing if not vocal. Unless the Heat win, in which case, they're not.

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Chris Joseph