To the unitiated, Super Bowl Media Day must sound like some outrageous backstage fantasy. Media and players partying together! Celebrities around every corner! Free buffet lunch!
Well not to worry, ignorant and uninvited masses. Riptide is here to shatter those dreams.
Imagine, instead, an airless room packed way beyond fire code with grotesquely sweaty camera men and TV reporters pancaked with makeup screaming hysterically for attention, while dead-eyed football players recite dull cliches they memorized on the bus.
There are mustachioed hand puppets, airports-at-Thanksgiving-level security lines and insanely dressed Telemundo stars. Chris Berman is in attendance.
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Be thankful, then, that we braved the ninth circle of NFL hell known as Media Day at Sun Life Stadium and came away -- barely -- with these photo lowlights. Click through if you dare.