The holiday season is here, which means you're probably frantically refreshing Amazon looking for gift ideas or have already made a trip to Bath & Body Works for a candle on "sale" for $10.
Finding the right gift for loved ones is equal parts exciting and a gigantic pain in the ass. There is a high that goes along with scoring the perfect
So much fun, in fact, that we've decided to find the ideal gift for some Miami sports stars. If you know someone on this list and are reading this, well — you're welcome.
1. Hassan Whiteside: Squatty Potty starter kit
We're going big this year for the biggest, ahem, rim protector in Miami sports. Not only are we getting him the Squatty Potty, but we're also splurging for the entire starter kit that comes complete with the classic Squatty Potty toilet stool, vanilla toilet spray, and an adorable poop emoji plunger.
Our hope is Hassan can use this gift before games so he can watch the entire fourth quarter on the bench.
2. Dwyane Wade: Diapers
Dwyane Wade is currently completing all his work obligations so he can retire. He'll soon be taking trips to Barbados, Tokyo, France, and Ibiza while drinking wine with his name on it, eating crabcakes made from crustaceans alive five minutes ago, and changing diapers on a boat.
Wait, that last part doesn't fit. It does seem to be true, though — Wade is turning in his Miami Heat jersey for a spit-up smock and Dad jeans because he and his wife, Gabrielle Union, just had a baby.
Does Wade need you to buy diapers for him? No. But it would save him and his wife the time of logging into Amazon Prime.
3. Adam Gase: Hot-yoga classes
Win or lose, Adam Gase is the same surly dude. He's trying too hard to be what someone apparently told him a football coach should be. It's no surprise he got his start under current Alabama and ex-Dolphins coach Nick Saban.
Win or lose, it seems Gase has no desire to speak. Ever. Some hot-yoga classes might loosen Gase up and get him to live a little. It's torturous watching him pull down his hat as far as it will go and give terse answers every week.
4. Ryan Tannehill: New sunglasses
The curious case of Ryan Tannehill's career in Miami is, well, curious. His statistics look fine to great. The Dolphins are generally in games until the end. And he plays his ass off, even as his body falls apart from all the hits he's taken behind terrible offensive lines.
He also has zero playoff wins in his career, and in general, few games, or even plays, that matter. Tannehill gets a lot of hate in Miami. He could use some "hater blockers" for Christmas. It would help him shield his eyes from all those furious tweets on Sundays.
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5. Derek Jeter: Improv classes
What do you get the man who has everything? A personality, that's what. The Marlins new shot-caller is known for a lot of things, but having a personality is not one of them. Jeter on a Tuesday morning is a plain bagel. Jeter on a Saturday night at the club is a plain bagel with butter.
Jeter's levels of lit-ness do not reach high. He's nothing like Miami. He could use some help.
Jeter needs to work on his sense of humor. He needs to let his shoulders drop a bit. Some improv classes might do the trick. Maybe. OK, probably not. This is the man who just ran an entire rebranding campaign named "#OurColores," then released the new Marlins colors — black and white.