Free Panties and Dating Advice

Lyssa Oberkreser

Lauren Frances shows off her Ph. Double Ds

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The lure of gift bags once again pried my bottom from my Pottery Barn sofa and away from my daunting stack of library books. Monday night's party was for the launch of Victoria's Secret (901 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach) Very Sexy Makeup. The Girls' Night Out event featured free makeovers, a DJ, light refreshments (meaning pink lemonade and cookies; no hard stuff here), and "personal flirtation consultations" with Lauren Frances, Ph. Double D, love coach and author of Dating, Mating, and Manhandling: The Ornithological Guide to Men. The lovely Lauren, whose column, "The Hollywood Dating Food Chain," appears in Flaunt magazine, was anxious to speak to anyone about that crazy little thing called love.

"Come sit," Lauren cooed and patted the seat next to her. I sat and she touched my arm, leaning over to give me a bird's eye view of her ample cleavage. "Tell me your love problems." Well, I don't really have a love problem, but I am dating a much younger man. "Oh! I love it! You are giving me goose bumps! I'm dating a younger man too!" As I told her about my perfect boyfriend, her heavily mascaraed eyes grew wide. "Oh, that's great. You sound so compatible!" She began flipping through her book, drawing little pink hearts next to passages I should read. "Be sure to go over this compatibility checklist to make sure you've covered all of your bases. And then you must set boundaries — he needs to know how long you're willing to wait for a ring." Um, yeah. I don't know any guy who responds well to ultimatums. "That's what I had to do when I was dating Matt Groening, you know, from The Simpsons. We were together for six years, but we ended up wanting different things. Now, I am with a wonderful man who is eight years younger than me!" We exchanged you go girls! and air kisses and wished each other the best of luck. Before I left, she handed me her book in which she inscribed "To Lyssa, Here's to landing your lovebird!"

And that gift bag? Well, it wasn't the best, but it did include a black lace thong that I can show off to my lovebird.-Lyssa Oberkreser

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