Is there a pastime more Floridian than going completely nuts -- we mean Michael-Douglas-in-Falling-Down
-apeshit -- when denied our favorite fast-food product?
Florida luminary Terry Lynn Kimbell was really just carrying on a long tradition when he recently called 911 to complain that Taco Bell wouldn't serve him at the drive-thru window. So here's a rundown of two decades' worth of manic, grease-fueled Floridians freaking out because they couldn't get it their way.
"Gary Robinson died hungry."
Bet you didn't think we were gonna get classy on that ass, huh? That sentence -- written by Edna Buchanan and considered one of the greatest ledes in newspaper history -- was the beginning of a Miami Herald story about a pioneer in drunken fast-food freakouts. In 1985, Gary Robinson drunkenly stumbled into a local Church's Chicken spot and ordered the three-piece box for $2.19. Told they were out of fried chicken -- but that he could get nuggets instead -- he punched the counterwoman and ended up getting killed by a security guard.
Which is only weird because, as you'll see, drunk maniacs usually freak out because they can't get chicken nuggets.
The Original 911 Caller
In 2009, Fort Pierce woman Latreasa L. Goodman was arrested after she called 911 three times because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets. From the 911 transcript: "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Fast-food rage is very specific. It's not about hunger. It's about a craving for one particular menu item. Try to give them something else, and they will either bludgeon you or call the cops.
The Wendy's Chili-Sauce Shooting:
In 2007, a Wendy's customer demanded ten packets of chili sauce, and the manager told him that as per policy, he could have only three. So the guy shot him in the arm. The gunman was never caught. The manager later told reporters: "I got shot over chili sauce. I was trying to figure while in the hospital why someone would shoot me over some chili sauce."
The Taco Bell Drive-By:
In 2009, a large Miami man -- who we're not convinced isn't the Wendy's gangsta -- drove up to a local Taco Bell at 3:40 a.m. When an employee told him that they were closed, he pulled out a gun and shot her in the leg. Fast-food maniacs always shoot the messenger.
Kimbell's episode puts a corporate-Mexican spin on Goodman's McNugget mania. The Taco Bell refused to serve Kimbell because he walked (instead of drove) up to the drive-thru window. So he called 911 and pleaded his case: "You got a get a DUI to get a taco. I got the munchies and I walked a quarter mile from here. Are you going to help me out or do I have to get arrested to get home? You know what I'm saying?"
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BONUS: The McNuggets Banshee
Everybody knows Ohio is the Florida of the Midwest. That state's Melodi Dushane wanted McNuggets. But it was 2:30 a.m. and her local McDonald's was serving only breakfast. So Dushane... well, just see for yourself.