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Five Reasons the Olympics Will Never Come to Miami

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Last week, Rio de Janeiro beat Chicago to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. Rio and Miami share many things, including tourism, beaches, and lots of South Americans. But here are five reasons the Magic City could never host the games:

  1. Public transportation: In a metropolitan area of more than 5.4 million people, which would double during the Olympics, Miami has one rail line (ironic we spend public funds to create new stadiums but not more ways to get to the stadiums). So that leaves it to the buses. And all the other drivers: the 16-year-old reggaeton-blasting bros, the 2 Fast 2 Furious wannabes, and the 3 million drivers who do not understand the tiny lever on the left side of the steering wheel is used to indicate a turn. Put simply: Tourists would be late to events, natives would be late to work, and cops and EMTs would just set up lawn chairs along the interstate, drinking Arnold Palmers and listening to Phil Collins as the chaos ensues.
  2. Mascot: One of the best parts of the Olympics is seeing what horrific abortion of a cartoon character a city chooses to use during the games. What would Miami pick? An alligator with a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, a blowout hairdo, D&G shades, and man-capris. Or we could pull a Conan O'Brien "If They Mated" with David Caruso and Don Johnson. Either way, sweet nightmares, children of the world.
  3. Weather: The high average temperature in Rio in August is a perfect 78 degrees. If the games were held here, Usain Bolt would explode like a bag of Rip Taylor's confetti. Michael Phelps would have to swim around spectators who jump in the pool to avoid heatstroke. Olympians would endure empty stadium after empty stadium. Diagnosed with Floridamarlinsitis, they would return home utterly depressed, defeated, and with lots of teal clothing.
  4. Sports: Though the beach volleyball games would be widely attended, what Miamian in his right mind would watch men's wrestling? Or handball? Or the trampoline? The Miami Olympics would have to have their own sports: Bring back jai-alai. Bust out the bocce. Sex worker pickup at Biscayne and 79th. Who can score an eightball the fastest?
  5. Local dignitaries: If Chicago can fail with arguably the world's most powerful man (Obama) and the world's most powerful woman (Oprah), how can Miami expect to succeed with... Dan Marino? Gloria Estefan? Glenn Rice? Let's form a committee of Rick Ross and Robert "the Raven" Kraft. At least that way, even if we lose, we can intimidate the crap out of the other loser cities. Eat our boy shorts, Istanbul.

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