Five (More) Reasons Udonis Haslem Should Return for Another Season

Before you ask, the answer is yes, we’re doing this again.

Why, you ask, are we once again going to reel off reasons Udonis Haslem must not make this the offseason he finally decides to step away from the Miami Heat and call it a career?

Because some continue to fail #HeatCulture class and require summer school, that’s why. And it’s hilarious seeing people get so upset by Haslem clutching the Heat’s 15th roster spot like an Infinity Stone.

This time last year, we threw down 11 Reasons Udonis Haslem Should Return for Another Season. This time around, we’re tossing five more reasons onto the pile.

We’ll continue to do this every year if we have to. Do not test us, Udonis.

Udonis Haslem to Heat fanspic.twitter.com/VzQs1XTF3d

— NBA Memes (@NBAMemes) July 5, 2022

Miami Heat Lore

At this point, Udonis Haslem should be considered the last link to a historical event. He’s basically the Miami Heat version of the last living Titanic survivor.

To put into context how long Udonis Haslem has been playing for the Miami Heat: Miami’s 2022 first-round pick Nikola Jović was born in June of 2003. Udonis Haslem – also born in June, but in 1980 – was playing for the Heat in 2003. Haslem should be listed in Florida as an endangered species.

You don’t know where he’ll go when he retires. We can’t risk it.

The Heat have completed the announcements of re-signing Victor Oladipo, Dewayne Dedmon, and Caleb Martin.

The next likely free agent signing?

Udonis Haslem if he wants to come back for a 20th season with the organization.

— Austin Konenski (@Austin_Kone05) July 7, 2022

20 Seasons

Nineteen seasons is great, but two entire decades with the same team has a different ring to it. Retiring after your 19th season with the same team would be like running a marathon for 25 miles, then climbing into an Uber to go home.

Unless there are serious health issues – finish it! You’re so close! Udonis is thisclose to a milestone only a handful of players have ever reached in the history of sports. He has to seal the deal.

Miami, join me for my basketball & cheer camp on 8/20 & 8/21! Featuring the man himself, @BamBam1A & more!

Open to ages 7-18, all skill levels. Save on registration through July 15, visit the link in @CSA_Camps to learn more. See you there!

Proceeds benefiting @UD_Foundation pic.twitter.com/oPgCKVr3mm

— Udonis Haslem (@ThisIsUD) July 5, 2022

Basketball Camp

UD has a basketball camp scheduled for late August. The poster features an image of him in a Miami Heat jersey. We’re reading the tea leaves here. You can’t just put out false advertising like this, especially when it targets kids!

Haslem announcing his retirement a month before kids arrive at his basketball camp would be like your parents announcing their divorce on Thanksgiving, then reminding you about Christmas plans. Think about the children, Udonis.

#TBT to the @TheSIAwards with @FTX_Official. It was an honor to be named your hometown hero. The South Florida community… the city of Miami… this is the reason I do what I do. 💯#hometeam
3️⃣0️⃣5️⃣#OG ⚓️

📸: @shotbyretro6 pic.twitter.com/Jm8wwRiIQg

— Udonis Haslem (@ThisIsUD) March 31, 2022

Miami’s Finest

It’s time to get real, here: Miami is in need of some new stars. How long must we be represented by DJ Khaled, Flo Rida, and Pitbull? Miami is in need of hometown stars so bad we sometimes pass off ex-Hurricanes players or actors like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as our own.

As far down the line in his career as he may be, Udonis still represents Miami in the best way possible. We’re running low on that kind of people these days. No offense, Soundcloud rappers.

@ThisIsUD can you retire please. Like Pretty Please. A young cat need your spot 👀😎 @espn @NBA @stephenasmith

— empire cleaner (@CleanerEmpire) July 2, 2022

It’s Still a Great Bit

If for no other reason, Udonis must return for a 20th season just to continue to annoy people online. The fact that so many are angered by Haslem “stealing” game checks only gets funnier by the year. Haslem should lean into it in his 20th year.

Maybe he applies some Just for Men beard dye right there on the bench? Maybe he comes dressed as a bank robber one game? The possibilities are endless.