Politics

Five Election Ads That Will Make You Crap Your Pants, Just in Time for Halloween

A pair of lidless, unblinking eyes stare out at you from the TV screen. You change the channel, but there it is again. A chill runs up your spine. Instinctively, you look around to make sure your children, girlfriend, or golden retriever is safe.

But wait, this isn't a horror flick. It's a campaign ad.

Halloween arrived early this year, as Florida politicians do their damnedest to scare the shit out us ahead of the November 2 election. We've pulled the top five most terrifying videos from the 2010 campaign crypt.

Voters beware...

Amendment 4, 28 days later: All Annie Fleeting wanted was to turn a run-down "bongo bar" into a luxury resort replete with jobs for dozens in St. Pete Beach. Instead, a local version of Amendment 4 has ravaged the entire town like a zombie virus, according to this ad by the Citizens for Lower Taxes and a Stronger Economy. Florida could be next. Don't go into the church, Annie. It's full of undead bongo hippies!

Kill Grandpa: Proponents of Amendment 4 are employing scare tactics of their own. One ad by Florida Hometown Democracy shows "out of control developers" bulldozing a voting booth with a senior citizen inside. Take home message: Stay the hell away from the polling center! Wait, that's not right....

Road Rage: In another threat of vehicular homicide, Democrat Joe Garcia is running an ad portraying his Republican opponent for congress, David Rivera, as a maniac who "rammed his car into a delivery truck in rush hour traffic" on the Palmetto in order to stop its driver from posting campaign fliers. The only problem with the ad is, if Rivera loses he'll be even angrier....

Shrinking Sink: Like a Lewis Carroll LSD trip, this animated ad shows state CFO Alex Sink literally shrinking ever smaller as duties pile up around her. Like a Sylvester Stallone soft porn, however, this one is hard to find online. We couldn't find one on YouTube, but if you do, send us a link.

Rick Scott, the Terminator: Behind in the polls, Sink dug deep to produce a two-minute "Fraud File" on Scott's shady days as a hospital exec. But unlike other imaginative campaign ads, this one gets out of the way and lets Scott himself scare the crap out of us. Clips of grainy video show the Republican glaring at us like the Terminator, which is fitting given the 6,300 jobs he cut as CEO of Columbia/HCA.

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.