The contents of the IMG swag bag given out at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Miami Swim 2009.

Fashion Week Swag - Do I Look Fat In This Bag?

The canvas goodie bag for this year’s Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim was full of gym paraphernalia, liquor, sports drinks and hairspray. Yes, a free gift is a good gift, but I feel like the organizers were trying to tell me that I needed to lose weight, get drunk and have bigger hair. Fuuuck – not y'all too! There’s no food in this bag – no candy, not a stick of gum – I get the picture. Here’s the rundown:

Fuze Diet Green Tea – Orange Ginger: No carbs, no calories, full of all types of vitamins, and pretty damn refreshing after a long day at the shows. I want to say, “Give me back my carbs and my calories, take these freaking vitamins and pass me a milkshake,” but halfway through the bottle I kinda changed my mind. Yum.

Denim camouflage hat from Equinox gym: Ahhh something to wear when I’m trying to slink past the gym undetected. I can see myself hiding in the bushes from overzealous trainers, executing military-ish tactics to get out of a hellish spinning class, and fading into the concrete background. I’m fighting the man in order to hold onto my flab, and this is the perfect hat to do it in.

Powerade Zero: The brand’s newest sports drink, zero calories, no fat, plenty of sodium. Too syrupy for me, and I detect a smoky flavor. Is that chipotle, Bobby Flay? Once again, give me my damn calories.

Chambord: Now we’re talkin’. After sucking down black raspberry tinged margaritas (Chambord, tequila, triple sec, and sweet & sour mix) all weekend, if you cut me, I’ll bleed Chambord. Suck that, vampires.

Rusk being sexy hairspray: The packaging promises that with just a few quick sprays I’ll be blessed with volume, extra firm hold, and control, all in a can. Sounds like an overzealous sugar daddy. I’ll pass.

Smashbox Shockwave Fusion eye & cheek palette: Chic colors, cool compact, and a mirror perfect for scarfing your Bolivian marching powder on the go. Talk amongst yourselves.

Crunch fitness 7-day pass: Don’t they know that fashion folks smoke too many cigs to be on anybody’s treadmill? Damn you, Fashion Week for trying to make me fit. Ugh. Thanks.

-- Raina McLeod

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