Erik Spoelstra Almost Mauled Luol Deng in Frustration as Heat Drops Game 2

The Miami Heat somehow coughed up a golden opportunity to take a 2-0 lead in their series against the Toronto Raptors by going down 96-92 Thursday night. It was a frustrating loss on all accounts, particularly because the Heat set a new NBA playoff record with 22 turnovers.

And the angst was perfectly captured in a moment of complete, unbridled rage from head coach Erik Spoelstra.      

Luol Deng, who has been awesome on the court but, for some reason, sucks donkey nuts when it comes to inbounding the ball, was almost murdered by Spoelstra. Not being able to inbound the ball was an issue in Game 1 for Deng when he couldn't get it inbounds properly and allowed the Raptors to make a comeback and force overtime.

And Thursday night, he almost did it again — had it not been for Spoelstra losing his mind and lunging at Deng to throw the damn ball already.

If it were legal, Spoelstra would have smacked Deng in the face with a shovel and then stuffed him into a wood chipper. 

Luckily for Deng, he got the ball inbounds before he could be mauled by Spo, and the game resumed.

But Spoelstra's rage perfectly captured the overall frustration caused by the Heat. This was a game they could have easily won. All five starters ended in double figures, Goran Dragic continued his ass-kicking play, and Hassan Whiteside played like a man possessed (until he ran out of gas at the end).

How the Heat Lost Game 2

• The Heat need to knock the shit off with all the turnovers already.  They treat the basketball like someone sprayed it with super gonorrhea. Turnovers = points for the other guys. It's really that simple.

"I feel like if we don't keep committing 20-something turnovers, we will be fine," Dwyane Wade commented afterward.

If the Heat committed, say, three fewer turnovers in Game 2, they would be up 2-0 in the series. Instead, assballs. Miles and miles of ASSBALLS.

• The Heat's offense oftentimes resembles an old man trying to piss. Midway through the fourth, Miami led 77-70, and had they been able to hit a couple of more shots down the stretch, they'd have been able to hold the lead and steal a win. Instead, the Raptors were able to make a mini-run with a couple of buckets and some foul shots. And sure, the Heat were able to eventually force overtime with a pair of threes from Wade and Goran, but they went back to putridball in overtime, going 0-for-5 in their first OT attempts. The Heat can very much be like pulling the pin on a defective grenade. It can blow off your hand before you throw it. It can just sit there and do nothing. It can spew sparks before making a fart sound and then dying. Or it can blow up the enemy. 

• Jonas Valanciunas has the Most Punchable Face on the Toronto Raptors. It's not even close. Just look at his stupid face. You need your whole body to hate him. How did Udonis Haslem manage to keep from shoving a knee into his Lithuanian asshole? I hope Jonas Valanciunas runs face-first into a Herpes tree.

• The best way to describe NBA officiating in these playoffs is flaming piles of cock. But it's never quite as egregious as when it comes down to the way Dragic is officiated.  The man can literally be stabbed in the face with garden tools, and still have the whistle blown against him. We saw it last night again, when the refs decided that he apparently fouled DeMar DeRozen's elbow with his teeth. 

And then again, when Dragic was called for a foul for existing.

Now the Good News

Sure, it's frustrating to have allowed this game to slip away, but the Raptors won by managing to suck less than the Heat.

Toronto's two best players have been atrocious. DeMar DeRozen went an abysmal 9-of-24, while Kyle Lowry went 7-of-22. Meanwhile, the Raptors went a collective 14-for-26 at the free throw line. At home.

That's an enormous pile of dinosaur shit for the Heat to take advantage of now that the series heads back to Miami. 

There's no way the Heat have this many turnovers again, especially at home. And the Heat have been virtually unbeatable at the American Airlines Arena. Now they welcome an inefficient Toronto team with a chance to take a commanding 3-1 series back to Canada. 

Sure this loss was somewhat frustrating because the Heat simply gave it away by dribbling the ball of their foot, and being sloppy with their passes, and farting their way through the first quarter. Then the second half came and Miami showed their resiliency, even while puking all over themselves in OT.

It's enough to make you want to ask your buddy to slam the car door on your penis. It sucks to drop a game like this, with the inevitable frustration and lack of sleep that comes with it, followed by an endless angst-ridden spiral that begins with you trying to ease the pain by throwing endless amounts of unhealthy food into your face and ends with the cops finding a dead body in the trunk of your car. But it's fine. The problems are fixable, and the Heat have been at their best at home.

Everything's gonna be A-OK.

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