Lists

Eight Things Miamians Really Don't Care About

People like to think of Miami as a passionate city, but there are some things even we can't muster up energy enough to care for.

See also: Six Problems Miami-Dade Leaders Can No Longer Afford to Ignore

Country and Western Music

Do you know who Jason Aldean, Cole Swindell and Dustin Lynch are? (They all have top 10 country hits right now.) Do you know where to find the country station on the dial? (There are two that reach Miami, but they're licensed in Broward and the Keys.) Do you know the last time a major country artist played a concert here? (Taylor Swift doesn't count.) Aside from a few music snobs who like the classics like Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton, people here listen to country music about as regularly as Nashville residents listen to Icelandic whale chants.

Traditional Notions of "Time"

For all the technological advances represented in the Apple Watch, we don't even think that thing is going to make Miamians start showing up on time.

Body Hair

The only body hair here is in the form a well groomed patch left on the body of a straight guy so you don't think he's too gay ... And speaking of gays, ask them if there are any bear bars here. They'll laugh. Whether it's by razors, waxing, electrolysis, or just natural smoothness, the hirsute look just isn't in here. The tanning oils rub in better that way anyway.

What You Think of Them (as Soon as They Tell You To Fuck Off)

This one is a bit hard to grasp, sure, because if you insult a Miamian they will probably come at you ten times worse, but don't mistake this for any indication that they actually care what you think of them. It's just a knee-jerk reaction. In fact, all that screaming and insulting just stops the actual criticism from getting to our brains first.

Traffic Laws

But you already know.

Minimalist Design

Don't be fooled, any sort of minimalism used in design here is just to draw more attention to giant, gaudy over-the-top statement piece. Which isn't true minimalism at all. The woman wearing a rather simple all-black outfit still has five-inch hot pink stilettos on with a matching bag. The Mondrian Hotel's mostly all-white lobby is only there to make those giant, creepy Bratz-doll head portraits stand out even more.

The Rest of Florida

If we could secede, we would.

Silence

The only place you're going to find that here is in the middle of the Everglades.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Kyle Munzenrieder