Every single person that has ever uttered or written or tweeted or thought the word "LeBrick" can help themselves to a dick chipotle. Because with 3:12 remaining in the game, and the Heat down by 12, LeBron James obliterated the Chicago Bulls' vaunted defense like an ass-kicking machine with the kick-ass dial cranked up to maximum holy dickfire that's a shitload of ass-kicking! proficiency.
The Heat took a giant dump on the Bulls and their 12 point lead and went on an 18-3 run that put them over the top, won them the Eastern Conference, and sent them to their first NBA Finals since 2006. Champagne breakfast for everyone!
- The super computers over at Accuscore.com did 10,000 simulations and calculated that the Heat had just one percent chance of winning the game with just 3:14 remaining. LeBron and D-Wade's collective awesomeness broke Accuscore and now the machines are all self-aware and we're all going to perish. Thanks a lot, LeBron and D-Wade! Jerks.
- Dwyane Wade was all manner of shitty throughout most of the game. He couldn't create space offensively, had no lift when he went to the basket, was tentative with his shots, and committed nine turnovers. And yet all the suck was just a temporary set-back to the demolition he put on at the end with his good pal LeBron. People were calling for D-Wade to be benched for the rest of the game! Those people have tiny wieners.
- The Bulls and their fans were not the only ones that were all, "The fuck just happened, man?" after the game.
"We don't even know what happened," Heat guard Dwyane Wade said when it was over. "I can't even lie to you and say we do." "We want to watch the last four minutes of the game to see what happened," forward LeBron James said on the postgame podium.
Even LeBron and Wade can't believe their own epic awesome.
- Zero points last night for the Doucheinator known as Taj Gibson.
Remember when everyone went bananas after he made that dunk over Dwyane Wade in Game 1 of this series? He's free to go watch the clip of that dunk over and over and over again now for the remainder of the summer. That dunk was bomb-ass titties, Taj!
- I bet you can fit a lot of acorns into Taj Gibson's mouth. And by "acorns" I mean "penis."
- Mike Miller once again made an impact, scoring seven points, being active on the boards, and playing smart defense even though the man has no working extremities. His baby daughter is in the hospital, so that makes it an even more amazing feat.
- Derrick Rose, The World's Most Humblest Human Person, was once again neutered by LeBron's defense. The league MVP went 1-for-10 with two turnovers when LeBron was all up in his business, and his shooting percentage was a paltry 6.3 percent when defended by James.
- Carlos Boozer's sole contribution to last night's game was probably when he tried to take LeBron's head off with a flagrant foul as James went for a dunk. That seemed to get LeBron into Mash The Spleens of My Enemies Into A Fine Powder mode, because James went all "kick them repeatedly in the balls til they die" from there on out. The rest is pure unadulterated awesomeness. And history. But mostly, pure unadulterated awesomeness.
- And now your LeBronukah recap in pictures!:
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SHOW ME HOW
Game 1 of the 2011 NBA Finals versus the Dallas Mavericks is on Tuesday at the AmericanAirlines Arena at 9 p.m.