"If you prick a baller, does he not bleed?
" -- William Shakespeare
Professional athletes are finely tuned machines: millions of dollars' worth of ESPN-highlight-generating speed, torque, power, and finesse. But behind the oversize egos and titanic Twitter followings, pro ballers are flesh and blood like the rest of us. Case in point: this weekend's strange spousal stabbing of Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall.
In honor of what we hope is Marshall's speedy and complete recovery (we traded half the team for him, after all), we've put together a list of the top 10 dumbest sports injuries of all time.
10. Sammy Sosa:
In 2004, the Dominican slugger missed a game against the Padres due to a back injury. The culprit: a violent sneeze, Sosa claimed. "It would have been better if I had hit off the wall or we have a fight or something, but this... you know what I mean?" he said at the time. If the injury sounds unnatural, so are the steroids Sosa tested positive for five years later.
9. Wade Boggs:
Another equally stupid baseball injury occurred when Hall of Fame hitter Wade Boggs injured his back while pulling on his cowboy boots.
8. Felix Pie:
The Cubs outfielder missed a handful of games in 2008 for a twisted testicle. No word on how he managed that feat.
7. Santi Canizares and David Seaman:
Soccer is known as a cerebral sport in which coaches approach each game like a chess match. But soccer stars can be stupid too. Spanish goalie Santi Canizares missed out on the 2002 World Cup after dropping a cologne bottle on his foot. His English counterpart, David Seaman, once broke a bone stretching for the television remote.
6. Lyndsey Vonn:
Stupid injuries know no gender bias. At the 2009 World Skiing Championship, U.S. Olympian Lyndsey Vonn missed an event after cutting her thumb tendon on a broken bottle of champagne (Vonn had already won another event).
5. Kendry Morales:
Here's one of the most ridiculous injuries in recent memory. This video says it all.
4. Kevin Johnson:
The Phoenix Suns point guard and current mayor of Sacramento famously injured his knee when the Round Mound of Rebound -- Charles Barkley -- jumped into his arms after nailing a game-winning shot in 1993.
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3. Glenallen Hill:
Former MLB outfielder Hill hates spiders. So much so, in fact, that he once had a nightmare about arachnids, fell out of bed, crashed into a glass table, and fell down some stairs -- all while completely asleep. He spent 15 days on the disabled list.
2. Plaxico Buress:
If early reports are to be believed, Brandon Marshall was stabbed by his own wife during an argument. What's worse than your loved one taking you out? The old auto-golpe. New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress somehow shot himself in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub in 2008. As if that wasn't punishment enough, he's still in jail because of the accident.
1. Kellen Winslow:
Winslow was a star for the Hurricanes after fellow tight end Jeremy Shockey turned pro. But what should have been his own first full season in the NFL was cut short after a truly moronic motorcycle accident in which Winslow -- who received his permit only days earlier -- hit a parking lot curb at 35 mph. He tore his ACL, missed an entire season, and was charged with reckless operation of a motor vehicle.