Don't Make Chris Bosh Angry

The Miami Heat took down the tough Chicago Bulls 96-85 in an Eastern Conference Finals Game 3 that featured tough defense, gay slurs, Miami fans berating Charles Barkley, LeBron James obliterating Kyle Korver, and Chris Bosh exploding all over Chicago's face. The Heat now have a 2-1 lead in the best-of-seven series (which miraculously resumes Tuesday instead of 3,549 days from now) and can take control of the series if they can continue their winning ways at home. 


The Good

-BoshBALLS: Chris Bosh had what is to this point, the best game of his career. Bosh missed his first three shots. And then the Bulls' Taj Gibson started to trash talk him. Taj Gibson done fucked up.

From there, Bosh flat out refused to stop playing awesome basketball.

While the Bulls defense was all, We Need To Do Everything In Our Power To Stop LeBron and Wade, Bosh went 13-for-18 from the field, for 34 points. Bosh blew shit up with his perimeter game as well as inside, with timely jumpers and strong drives to the hoop. And every time it seemed like Chicago was about to make a run and take over the game, Bosh scissor kicked their hopes and dreams in the back of the head and then screamed like an angry dinosaur.

-LeBron Do It All: Sure he wasn't the hero he was in Game 2, but LeBron was arguably the best all-around player on the floor of Game 3. LeBron didn't take too many shots, but he out point-guarded the Bulls MVP point guard by dishing out 10 assists. LeBron also crashed the boards, dove for loose balls, and played stifling shutdown defense. Of course, he did have some ass-kicky point-scoring moments as well, such as when he ran through Kyle Korver for a monster dunk that got everyone terribly excited.

-Sub Rosa: The Heat came into this series to hold down The Most Humble Human Person In The World. And so far so good. Derrick Rose had as many assists in the first half of Game 3 as your mom, and only attempted two more shots in the fourth quarter than her as well. The league MVP finished the night 8-for-19 shooting, 1-for-3 from the three-point line, and with just three trips to the foul line all night. The Heat defense has been rough. Just like your mom likes it.

-Bizzarro Chalmers!: 2-for-3 with six points and only one turnover? WE'LL TAKE IT! 

The Meh

-Get Wade Some Coffee: D-Wade has suddenly developed the weird habit of slicing through the Bulls defense, getting to the rim, and then completely forgetting what to do from there. It's not like Wade can't get to the basket. He can. He just can't finish. The hell, man? HOWEVAH. What Wade lacked in consistent scoring, he totally made up for with great defense and rebounding. Wade led the Heat in rebounds, hit a couple of timely shots down the stretch and was the main culprit for Rose's tiny dingaling play. We're still waiting for MV3 to show up and rock the shit. Coffee's for closers. He knows this. We know this. It's only a matter of time.

-Mike Miller's Zombie Apocalypse: Mike Miller is out there mainly for his energy and rebounds. We get that. But at this point, the guy is just a human torso with sneakers. Meanwhile, there's a perfectly good James Jones sitting on the bench, wasting away. I think Erik Spoelstra likes to gamble with these crazy-ass rotations just to fuck with us.

What do you think about the challenge of guarding Chris Bosh?

The Heat have two great players. You see what I did there? That. Just. Happened.

Chris, do you have a rebuttal to Carlos Boozer referring to your team as two-and-a-half men?

"Te Occidere Possunt Sed Te Edere Non Possunt Nefas Est" which means, "They can kill you, but the legalities of eating you are quite a bit dicier." 

Um, what?

My instincts concerning syntax and mechanics are better than your own, I can tell, with all due respect. But it transcends the mechanics. I'm not a machine. I feel and believe. I have opinions. Some of them are interesting. I could, if you'd let me.

I'm not sure I understand.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Norm Chomsky.

His is a home of learned doctors.

Game 4 is on Tuesday at the AmericanAirlines Arena at 8:30 p.m.

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