Dolphins vs. Chargers: Louis CK Reacts to Five Things You Should Watch

Prior to the Monday-night game against the winless Buccaneers, Dolphins players swore up and down that all this drama for your mama would bring them closer together and propel them to a statement win in front of a national audience. Loyal Dolphins fans pointed their loyal Dolphins finger in your chest and told you: "This. Will. Unite them!"

Yeah, not so much.

Instead, the Dolphins (4-5) fell behind 12-0 before losing for the fifth time in six games 22-19. You have to give the team a little credit for flipping the script on you this season, instead winning the totally meaningless games TO BEGIN the season, rather than TO CLOSE IT. Well played, Miami Dolphins.



5. Will Ryan Tannehill continue to take a pounding?

It's not terrible enough that the Dolphins have allowed the most sacks in the league (37), but they also seem to come in bunches, at the worst time, like acne before graduation pictures or something. The Dolphins refuse to move Tannehill around and constantly call predictable plays, which is not helping Tannehill stay clean.

Tannehill, if given any time at all, has a chance to succeed this week, as the Chargers have allowed the last two QBs they've faced to complete 70.5 percent of their passes for 621 yards. One of them was Peyton Manning, but still, it's a stat, so it's true, kinda.

4. Can Mike Wallace... nah, probably not.

This friggin' guy, I mean, friggin' guy! The Dolphins broke into the free-agency period like the Kool-Aid Man through a living-room wall, handed Mike Wallace 60 million bucks, and threw up their hands like, "What now, bitches?"

Just a few months later, they now are proud owners of the shittiest, most expensive decoy in the National Football League. Sadly, we all saw this coming. If the Dolphins can figure out a way to get Wallace involved in the offense this week, there could be plenty of room to roam against a notoriously leaky San Diego Chargers defense, one that has allowed 58 over the past two weeks.

3. Can the Miami Dolphins rush for more yards than you?

Last week, Lamar Miller had two yards, Daniel Thomas had minus four -- MINUS FOUR! Nobody is afraid of the Dolphins' passing attack, mainly because it lasts three seconds before the ball is under a pile of fat guys, so they are increasingly able to focus on stopping the crappiest RB duo in the league. Neither of the Dolphins running backs is anything special (put down your "U"; he's just a guy) when not spotted a huge hole to run through, but without a lane to run in, these guys are incapable of making something out of nothing, so that's a problem. Let's set the bar low this week and see if we can't keep minus signs out of the box score this week. What ya say, Dolphins?

2. Will Dion Jordan play more snaps than the kicker?

Nine snaps. That's the number of times the Miami Dolphins felt the #3 overall pick in the 2013 draft could help their team Monday. Dion Jordan cost the team not only a third overall pick, but a second-round pick to move up, yet a team that was so in love with him then has now decided to use him like a practice squad fill-in. It's infuriating.

Nobody is saying Dion Jordan is the next coming of Jason Taylor. We'd maybe just like to see him, I dunno, play. Instead, the Dolphins, a team run by a GM that needed to go all in, have decided to sit him an entire year to learn like he's fucking Aaron Rodgers behind Brett Favre.

1. Will Joe Philbin stand up for himself, show some emotion, and save his damn job?

We get it, Joe. You're the calm, cool, and collected leader type, but you might want to start getting in some people's asses, especially on game day. When the camera pans to him after yet ANOTHER Dolphins miscue, Philbin, mouth open, is just watching the replay on the Jumbotron. Not exactly helping things, Philbs.

Listen, Jeff Ireland is donezo, but Joe Philbin can still coach the tits off these next seven games and show his owner he's had just about enough of this mess and he's not accepting subpar effort in addition to the off-field chaos. Last Monday, the Bucs and Fins took turns making some of the dumber plays you will ever see in a professional football game. But nothing. Players dropping passes, Tannehill throwing balls into the crowd, linebackers constantly burned by speedier running backs. Nada.

In the NBA, coaches get themselves thrown out of a game as a last-ditch effort to spark their team. Maybe it's time for Philbin to shock everyone and stand up for himself for once rather than continue to take on the persona of the perennial loser franchise he joined.

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