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| Sports |

Dolphins Top Browns 23-10 in Season-Opening Win, Wallace Whines

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Before yesterday, the Dolphins had been 1-6 in season openers dating back to 2006 -- but lucky for them, the Browns had been a more dismal 1-12 in season openers dating back to their second go-around as a franchise in 1999. The Dolphins took advantage of this by whoopin' some dawg pound ass on the Browns yesterday with a 23-10 victory that had everyone but Mike Wallace smiling.

Wallace, the Dolphins' $60 million dollar man, was supposed to have his big coming out party but a combination of solid coverage by Joe Haden and a lack of targets by second-year QB Ryan Tannehill left Wallace with only one catch for 15 yards. Meanwhile, human chipmunk Brian Hartline snagged 9 catches for 114 yards and a long 37-yard touchdown catch -- matching his TD total from last year and resulting in a very unsettling endzone celebration.

After the game, all reporters could talk about was how Wallace seemed upset and angry with the coaches gameplan of not targeting their supposed best offensive weapon and GM Jeff Ireland was seen apparently consoling Wallace after the game as they walked into the tunnel. Naturally, Ireland is already working on trading Wallace for 2 4th-rounders, a Cool Ranch Doritos Loco taco and 2 tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Zarkana.

Tannehill looked very sharp overall, completing 24 of 38 passes for 272 yards and the touchdown to Hartline. Somehow, Miami's $500 million dollar offensive line still plays like a bag of dicks considering the 4 sacks on Tannehill and 20 total yards the Dolphins gained on the ground (a problem that needs to be rectified, like, 5 years ago), but the offense came alive in the 2nd half through the air as Tannehill connected with Hartline, new acquisition Brandon Gibson and even Charles Clay a bunch of times.

On the other side of the ball, the defense played lights out forcing 3 interceptions, 6 sacks (including 2 1/2 from The Kraken himself, Cam Wake) and holding the Browns to only 291 yards of offense and 47 rushing yards. The Browns were also a miserable 1-of 14 on third downs so the defense did a good job of getting off the field when they needed to. Cornerback Dimitri Patterson had a big game with 2 interceptions coming off of tipped passes.

Although things started off as slow and boring to watch as my grandfather's balls, the team showed better execution in the 2nd half. If they can somehow figure out that they have this really awesome wide receiver guy that they paid a shit ton of money to in March, this team could actually be enjoyable to watch on offense. How does that make ya feel, Joe Philbin???

Oh yeah.

The Dolphins next travel to Indianapolis to take on Andrew Luck and the Colts on Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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