Author's note: The Miami Dolphins are obviously plotting to #TankForTua (University of Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa) this season. We know it, they know it, the rest of the NFL knows it. Tagovailoa also knows it. Weekly in this space, we will document the most recent tanking attempt and peek at how the Dolphins can lose this week. It'll be fun — way more fun than watching the Dolphins win. Please do not ask us if we are sad, because we are not.
Prior to this past Sunday's 59-10 loss to the Ravens, there was a general acceptance that the Dolphins were going to crank up the suck to ten and run around the field from 1 to 4 p.m. playing a naked air guitar while purple-uniformed people took things a tad more seriously. Everyone saw that coming.
What everyone didn't forecast was the Dolphins getting World Star'd harder than a McDonald's cashier who messed up the wrong person's French fry order. The Dolphins were so bad that players called their agents asking for trades. They acted as if playing for the Dolphins was a nonrefundable airline ticket they had booked and wanted to cancel.
So, mission accomplished on the #TankForTua front thus far. We're 0-1, baby. Let's check the schedule and see wha... OH MY GOD THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE IN TOWN. EVERYONE REMAIN CALM AND ACT NORMAL.
Woof. Let's go ahead and preview the Dolphins next loss/win on their quest to immortal 0-16 mortality.
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Who is the opponent/winner this week?
The New England Patriots. Perhaps you are familiar with their work. Last week they beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 33-3. This week, the Pats added arguably the best wide receiver in the league, Antonio Brown, to their roster. Oh, and they are definitely pissed off about the Dolphins beating them last year in "Miami Miracle" fashion. This one feels like an ass slapping the Dolphins will not soon forget.
Is there any possible way the Dolphins can ruin everything and beat the Patriots this week?
If the Dolphins somehow beat the Patriots on Sunday, it will literally be one of the biggest upsets in the history of the NFL. As of midweek, the Dolphins were a 20-point underdog AT HOME. The Patriots are the biggest road favorites in the history of the NFL. THE HISTORY OF THE NFL. It's been a week, and Vegas is already begging people to put money on the Dolphins.
Short answer, no. Long answer — DEFINITELY-MAYBE BECAUSE MOTHER NATURE. Hot tip: There is apparently a tropical storm/wave/annoyance in the forecast for this weekend. If it sloshes up Pats-Dolphins, all bets are off. You could see a slip-and-slide game for the ages where the Dolphins kick a stupid 19-yard field goal to win 6-3. It's happened before!
What is New Times' official prediction for this game?
Feels like 37-10. Feels like 21-3 so fast it reminds you of a long time ago (last week) when that same crap happened to the Fins. It's really just up to the Patriots if they'd like to score 70 points or not. It's a buffet of points at Hard Rock and they can take whatever they like.