The Miami Dolphins beat the struggling Buffalo Bills yesterday 35-8, with help from a defense that hasn't allowed a touchdown in 12 consecutive quarters. Miami's defense created turnovers, set up touchdowns for the offense, and scored a special teams touchdown, suddenly making the Dolphins the hottest team in football outside of Green Bay.
The win brings the Dolphins' record to 3-7, which still has them dead last in the AFC East and means they need to win pretty much every single game left on the schedule to hope to land a wildcard playoff spot.
Nothing like a three-game winning streak after losing your first seven games of the season!
- The Bills have been outscored 106-26 the last three games. Not sure whether this fact downplays the win for the Dolphins, but holy shitballs are the Bills awful.
- These wins are gonna totally fuck us in the pants for another 15 years. But for the meantime, WEEEEEEEE!
- Matt Moore finished with 160 yards and three touchdowns. He has led the Fins to three straight wins, something that hasn't been done since Chad Pennington was the starting QB. Suddenly, people are wondering if Moore is the answer to our quarterback prayers. Mainly because people are malleable dickbrains who get excited when their team beats a reeling, injury-riddled team like the Bills. But still. The Matt Moore Marionette Puppet has been kicking dicks in for the past three games. THE MATT MOORE MARIONETTE PUPPET IS GONNA NEED A MONTAGE!
- Chris Clemons blocked a punt and Lex Hilliard scooped it up for the touchdown. The Dolphins haven't blocked a punt since 2008. They also haven't won three straight games since 2008. So either the Dolphins are remembering how to play when they were good, or we've all stepped into a time warp and are intersecting with the past while simultaneously living in the present, like that one episode of The Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up and he's the same but everything else is different. I'm no scientist, but I'd say that explanation is the most plausible here.
- It's pretty amazing that Reggie Bush has gone this far into the season and hasn't broken a bone or popped a ligament. It's like being able to bang Kim Kardashian again suddenly turns you into Wolverine.
- Nolan Carroll's interception in the second quarter seemed to be the turning point for the Dolphins. It's tough to put a finger on Carroll's career. He's been mostly shitty, yet he'll have a moment like this one every now and then. Brilliant, catastrophic, and then back to mostly shitty. He's like the Eddie Murphy of corner backs.
- Twelve straight quarters without giving up a TD for the defense, Reggie Bush playing well, Matt Moore playing with efficiency and not turning the ball over, and a three-game winning streak has a lot of Dolphins fans in a weird place. Happy for the success but fucking bummed because the long-term picture looks bleaker and bleaker with every win. We're in an existential dilemma -- like that moment when you wonder if you should put peanut butter on your genitals in front of the dog.
- Again, I don't want to piss all over the good vibes Dolphins fans are feeling this morning. Wins are always fun, especially when they're epic beatdowns against a division rival like the Buffalo Bills. But the fact remains that with every win, the Dolphins slip further and further away from a top draft pick. And now, at 3-7, there are at least two teams picking ahead of Miami that need quarterbacks. Andrew Luck is no longer a realistic option. So, yeah, a win is great. But a win when you've lost your first seven games is like the promise of seeing a well-known actress naked in Playboy and getting Lindsay Lohan's meth-addled zombie corpse instead. That's why it's tough for me to feel all that great about it. If you're happy about the win and enjoyed yourself yesterday, kudos to you. But to be perfectly honest, I stopped watching this game after the Dolphins went up 21-3. Godzilla could have attacked Sun Life Stadium and eaten J.Lo after that for all I know.
The Dolphins will visit the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day in a game that is suddenly going to be interesting. Kickoff is at 4:15. Your dad will fall asleep with a hand in his pants at 6:42.
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