Dolphins Lose Sixth Home Game of Season, Playoffs are DOA

With Sunday's 17-14 loss to the lowly Buffalo Bills, it looks like the Miami Dolphins have managed to cobble together yet another season of rampant incompetence.

The loss killed whatever feeble hopes Miami had on making the playoffs, putting their record at 7-7 and giving them their sixth home loss of the season.

So where does the fault of another season in the shitter fall? Tony Sparano's head-coaching? Dan Henning's play-calling? Chad Henne's mediocre quarterbacking? Jew sharks? Maybe a combination of everything? Either way, the Fins are as filled with The Suck as they've ever been. And there is no clear remedy in site. OR IS THERE???

Barring some unforeseen act of God, it seems as if the Dolphins have gone as far as they're going to go with Chad Henne. At this point last season, we all thought the Dolphins had finally found the franchise quarterback its been pining for since Dan Marino retired. Henne was christened as The Future. Instead, he managed to be just another piss boy. And where there should be an offense that strikes fear into its opponents, there's just predictability.

"Why would anyone be surprised?" Buffalo cornerback Drayton Florence asked about the first play, the one where Wildcat formation was inserted on second-and-10 from the Bills' 31 with just over two minutes to play. "They were playing for a field goal. That's what they do."
Yoinks and away.

What Went Right: There isn't much to point to in terms of what went right. Brandon Marshall managed to top 100 yards and scored a touchdown. There's that. Also, Marshall apologized to the defense after the game for the offense's refusal to stop being shitty. That was a pretty stand up thing to do.

What Went Wrong: The Dolphins running game managed 65 measly yards against the NFL's worst run defense. The usually reliable Dan Carpenter missed four field goals, nullifying any hopes of seeing a Tony Sparano jubilant fist pump or two. And Sean Smith dropped yet another potential interception, his fourth in two weeks. At this point, Sean Smith might as well have shoehorns for hands.

What We Learned: The defense has been solid all season. And that's about it. The special teams has been terrible all year. The offense has been nauseating. The play calling, repugnant. The "positive" Dolphins fans out there will tell you that the fault lies entirely on the coaches and not so much on the crap-slinging players. These are the type of fans that get offended if you say the team sucks and insist on telling you that Chad Henne has completed 60 percent of his passes this year, so therefore he deserves no blame whatsoever. These people should be cock slapped with a rolled up Men's Journal magazine.

At best, Miami ends up 9-7 for the season. At worst, 7-9. Either way, they're going to be in the middle to top of the pack when April's NFL Draft rolls around, which means all the elite prospects will be gone by the time their time to pick comes up. The Dolphins can't even suck properly.

Next Up: The Lions roll into town. The Lions are a historically terrible football team. Which means they should beat the Dolphins by at least two touchdowns this Sunday.

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Chris Joseph