Dolphins Fall To 0-4: It's Suck For Luck Time!

The Miami Dolphins did that thing again where they play like their scrotums are stapled to their thighs, this time losing 26-16 to the San Diego Chargers. In the process, they lost Chad Henne to a shoulder injury, forcing backup Matt Moore to step in and do exactly what Henne's been doing: namely, sucking balls. Because that's just how we roll around here.

Miami is now 0-4 and have officially entered the Andrew Luck sweepstakes which, even if they do happen to win, we're pretty sure they'll find a way to fuck that up. Bags-of-ass football starts here!

- At this point there really is nothing else to do but join in on the Suck For Luck campaign. At 0-4, the season is officially in the shitter. Might as well tank this thing and position ourselves to draft the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. Luck has all the tools to be a star: Arm strength, vision, leadership, mobility, and accuracy. Also, his neck beard is pretty fucking epic!

While we've watched these shitbags eke out seven to eight wins every year, teams like the Bills and Lions have shot to the top with dynamic coaches and players.

We have NONE of that shit.

There's no better chance to tank the season than now.

Or we can win a few games, feel really terrific about ourselves, get the 14th overall pick in the draft, and continue to cripple our franchise with shitty players for another several decades. FINS4LIFE, BRO.

- Despite doing everything he can to get fired, including the 0-4 start, sources are saying Sparano is going to remain the coach for now. Tony Sparano is George Costanza!

- Brandon Marshall continues to drop sure-fire touchdowns. When he was in Denver, Marshall was catching TDs at an insane clip and making a name for himself as one of the most feared receivers in the league with great hands and great yards-after-the-catch plays. Then he comes to Miami, and suddenly he treats every pass like someone picked up a raccoon and threw it at him. The fuck, Brandon?

- Watching Tony Sparano going APESHIT over field goals makes me want to high five him in the crotch with a bar stool.

- The Dolphins safety situation is atrocious and there is virtually zero pressure on the opposing quarterback. Those are pretty much THE ESSENTIALS when it comes to a successful defense. Yeremiah Bell can't cover for shit, and Cam Wake is the only consistent pass rusher on our D-line. Defensive coordinator Mike Nolan might as well be calling plays with a Korean hooker sitting on his face. Or maybe.... HE ALREADY IS??

- Always fun to jump on twitter and see Dolphins players tell everyone how things are gonna be just fine. It's like live-tweeting from the Titanic. 

"We'll B fine Dolfans. Thnx 4 yr support. We gone turn this around. God is Great. HOLY SHIT NOLAN CAROL JUST BURST INTO FLAMES! LOL smh"

- Fun Fact: Matt Moore led the Carolina Panthers to the number one overall pick last year. Of all the free agents signed by Jeff Ireland, Matt Moore has to be his most genius yet! Well played, ginger shithead. Well played.

- Waffledicks!

The Dolphins are off on a Bye week next week. The Bye week is favored by 19.5 points.

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