Unbelievably, the Dolphins won their season opener for the first time since 2007 last Sunday. EHRRR MERR GERRRSH! The defense was stout, Ryan Tannehill seemed to elevate his game (especially on 3\thirdrd downs), Mike Wallace was already being considered as trade bait for his belly-aching postgame and Michael Egnew cried after the game (pictured right) so all is as well as it should be in DolphinLand. IT'S OUR TIME!
Here's five things to watch before this Sunday's game against the Colts:
1. Tannehill vs Luck II
The first iteration of this battle of 2012 first round QBs went Luck's way as the then-rookie broke the single-game rookie passing record with 433 yards in the air, dominated the Dolphins defense on third down and fellow rookie T.Y. Hilton made GM Jeff Ireland wish he'd done a little more draft research in unincorporated Dade County. This time around, Luck is a year older and wiser but lacks the gleaming white glory of Tannehill's new toys on offense. If there was ever a time for a Mike Wallace coming out party, this would be it.
2. Don't Let Andrew Luck Destroy Your Ass in the 4th Quarter
The kid already has 5 4th quarter comebacks in 17 NFL games, which is crazyballs. Furthermore, Luck is big and strong so the Dolphins D must be sure to bring him down or he can also kill you with his legs. Small wonder some Dolphins fans wanted the team to lose every game in 2011 to ensure our chances of drafting this once-in-a-generation talent. HA HA. THOSE PEOPLE WERE STUPID AND CRAZY, RIGHT???
3. The O-Line Played Like 5 Bowling Ball Bags Filled wth Vomit...
Last Sunday in Cleveland was a very bad day for our offensive line. Tannehill was sacked and hit numerous times, there was very little protection to get the ball downfield and the holes for the running backs to go through were the size of a snail's vagina. Luckily, the Colts defensive line may be equally dysfunctional so maybe they'll have a chance to not embarass themselves and dishonor their families this Sunday.
....and the Running Game was Like Watching Two Chickens Trying to Blow Each Other
Lamar Miller, 10 carries for 3 yards. Daniel Thomas, 8 carries for 14 yards.
Reggie Bush, 21 carries for 90 yards and 4 catches for 101 yards and a touchdown.
Hmm. But, yea, we got Matt Moore. Miller said this week that maybe he needs to 'run harder', which is something you'd hope your running back always kinda does but we're not ones to take that quote out of context. FIX YO SHIT, RUNNING BACKS!
4. The Defense Needs to Continue to Bust Balls
Earlier this week, rookie defensive end Dion Jordan said he doesn't plan on losing to Luck in the NFL considering Jordan's Oregon Ducks twice blew out Luck's Stanford team in college. No question the defense was awesome last Sunday (and Brandon Weeden is also pretty shitty) so the team has a tall order against the Colts if they want to hold up rookie DE's expectations. The defense must contain Luck and hit him as often as possible, get off the field on 3rd down and find a way to FUCKING FINALLY cover the tight end.
5. Get Mike Wallace the Ball Early and Often Please
No need to force it. There are going to be opportunities there but RT17 has GOT TO be accurate on the deep ball and the coaches need to find a way to move Wallace around and get the ball in his hands. We paid $60 million for him. It's okay to take off the shrink wrap now. Otherwise, homeboy gonna be piiiiiiiiiiisssssed and the last thing anyone needs is the image Jeff Ireland's slimey snake arm wrapped around Wallace's waist again as he walks off the field dejected. He's not some Lourdes chick you met at the Belen Tombola, Jeffy. Give him some room.
The Dolphins take on the Colts this Sunday at 1 p.m.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.