October 15, 2010 | 2:19pm
This week, the Miami Dolphins travel to Green Bay, Wisconsin, to face the Packers. Wisconsin, the state that gave us cheese, and Vince Lombardi, and cheese! Want to go to a place that makes Minnesota look exotic? Want to visit a place where the highlight of your trip is visiting the State Capitol building? Want to spend a vacation where you can watch other people make beer for hours on end? Wisconsin is your destination, then. Anyway... here's what the Fins have to do to win on Sunday, and then get the hell out of Wisconsin as fast as humanly possible:
The Dolphins are returning from a much-needed bye week and they'll be facing a Packers team that was riddled with injuries last week. It's as if Jesus was playing against a dude with a bunch of Packers on his fantasy team and decided to smite the entire roster. Their quarterback suffered a concussion, they lost their defensive end, two of their linebackers and two of their tight ends. This is why playing in a fantasy league with Jesus blows.
The other good news is Miami is undefeated on the road so far this season. Plus, you know they're feeling the pressure to win this week after dropping two in a row the past two games. In other words, they're ripe for getting blown out by the Packers B-squad. Weeee!!
1. Get After Rodgers: The latest reports have Packers QB Aaron Rodgers starting Sunday, despite suffering a concussion last week. Of course, this might be a ploy by the Packers to lull the Dolphins to sleep and then, bang! They unleash Matt Flynn on our asses! It's simple: When the Dolphins defense, -- led by Karlos Dansby and Cameron Wake -- are getting after the quarterback and creating turnovers, they win. When they get man-handled at the line of scrimmage, and fail to pressure the QB, they lose. The Packers offense can be explosive, but their quarterback suffered an injury where his brain literally slammed against the inside of his skull. Miami's defense has to take advantage of that. Go for the brain!
2. Run. The. Ball: Tony Sparano has said that he wants to run the ball more. This would be a fantastic idea. Statistics show that when Chad Henne throws more than he hands the ball off, the Dolphins lose. Statistics also show that they lose when Chad Henne throws the ball to the other team. This is another good reason to run the ball more. Of course, the offensive line hasn't been very cooperative when the Dolphins want to run. But they have Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams in the backfield and, like all great backs, they get better the more they touch the football. Which means you feed those two guys til they each puke a midget. The Green Bay defense is giving up 104 yards a game on the ground this season. So the Dolphins need to get back to what they do best on offense: running the ball. And when we say running the ball, we mean Henne handing off to the runner -- none of that Wildcat bullshit.
3. Score Early, Score Often: The Packers don't mess around when it comes to fast starts. They've outscored their opponents 34-3 in the first quarter this season, and they almost always score on their opening drive. So the Dolphins have to come out guns blazing. On the road, against a team like this, Miami needs control the tempo by running it down their throats, and getting pressure on the quarterback. And also not totally shitting on themselves when on special teams. That would be good too.
Let's Go Fins!