Dear Florida Newspapers: Grow the [Redacted] Up and Stop Censoring Obscenities

A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week, and on Fridays we're here to bring you the weirdest. This week: A disbarment case out of the Florida Bar that reads like a bad porno script, a man who told police he didn't mean to miss when he shot at another man, and a plea to our friends in the Florida press: Stop being so prudish. 

Dear Florida Newspapers: If You're Gonna Write Stories About Curse Words, at Least Give Us a Hint What Those Curse Words Are 
During our usual comb of Florida news sources for the weirdest of the weird things that happened in our fair state this week, we came across an incident that was written up in not one, but two Florida papers. It's a semifunny little story that can mostly be summed up by the headlines in each paper. 

From The Northwest Florida Daily News: And The Palm Beach Post: We say "mostly" because, as you can see, neither paper bothered to run the redacted expletive in question. Not only is it left out of each headline, but it's also left out of the body of each story. Neither paper even bothered to give readers a hint as to which letter the word began with, because God forbid we be corrupted with the vulgar sight of a single letter followed by asterisks. 

We're going to assume it's "fuck," but we can't be sure. We've reached out to the Crestview Police Department,and we will let you know if they offer clarification. Here's the thing, though: Thousands of arrests occur in Florida every day, and the vast, vast majority of them do not end up warranting their own news articles. 

In fact, Hubbard's particular arrest is not notable in any other way aside from the fact that he told the officer his name was (presumably) "Fuck You." So the only reason the papers are writing about the story is because of the phrase "Fuck You," yet they refuse to print the phrase "Fuck You." 

So "Fuck You" is apparently newsworthy enough for these papers to write about but perplexingly, totally improper for these papers not only to print, but also to even hint at in the form of a semicensored "F***." 

Never mind the fact that it's pretty clear they published these stories in the hopes of getting those sweet, sweet "weird Florida news" page views in the first place. 

And we wonder why the daily newspaper is dying

This is insulting to the intelligence of readers, flies in the face of free press ideals of being wary about overt censorship, and is just generally stupid. 

And these papers shouldn't be too wary of harming the kids either. Hardly anyone under the age of 40 reads daily newspapers much anyway. 

At least give us a little "f***." Get with the times, or you'll be the ones who end up [redacted]. 

Keys Man Arrested for Shooting: "I Can't Believe I Missed"
Last week in this column, we brought you Part 1 of the story of William Selesnick. He was arrested by Monroe County Sheriff's deputies on marijuana charges after he told officers that devoted fans of beloved Hollywood actress Shirley MacLaine would burn Key West to the ground

Well, a day after that arrest, Selesnick was shot, and it turns out that story is perhaps equally weird.

Police didn't have to search hard for the man who shot Selesnick either. The guy who did it, 58-year-old William Lansford, dialed 911 to report the incident himself.  

"I shot him," Lansford candidly told police, according to Keys Info Net. "I can't believe I missed. I did not mean to miss."

Lansford said he shot Selesnick after he was attacked but admitted Selesnick didn't actually attack him very hard. 

A bullet grazed Selesnick's leg but didn't cause serious injury. He refused hospital treatment. 

Lansford was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and use of a weapon during a felony.

Neither Shirley MacLaine nor any of her devoted fans were involved in the incident. 
Drug-Addicted Florida Public Defender Disbarred for Having Sex With Clients 
Linda Dawn Hadad engaged in a pattern of misconduct that included illegal drug use and sexual relationships with clients, according to the Florida Bar," reads the story in the Daytona Beach News-Journal

Wait, clients, plural? Like, multiple clients. This wasn't a single melodramatic moment of falling for a client and declaring, "I don't care what the professional ethics say, dammit, I only care what my heart says!" This was just a string of straight-up screwing your clients? All right. 

In fact, Hadad, a Daytona Beach public defender, was not only having sex with two of her clients, but also was doing so at the jail. So much so that the warden had to cut down on her number of visits. Though, she still managed to have phone sex with the inmates as well. 

While being investigated, Hadad admitted she used unprescribed Xanax, Adderall, oxycodone, and Lortabs. She also dabbled in cocaine, crack, Ecstasy, marijuana, meth, and acid. 

That's just one shot of heroin short of a Florida Happy Meal. 

It turns out the bar investigation also found that Hadad was also ignoring the cases of the clients with whom she wasn't having sex. 

Hadad was disbarred and ordered to go to rehab. She can reapply for admission to the bar in five years. 
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Kyle Munzenrieder