Flotsam

Cutié Is Not the First to Waive His Denominational No-Trade Clause for Dat Ass

On Thursday, TV personality, beach canoodler, and sometime Catholic priest Alberto Cutié joined the Episcopal Church. His official reason: He had "searched [his] soul and sought God's guidance."

Of course, the fact that Episcopal priests are allowed to marry (and, we assume, canoodle) had absolutely nothing to do with his decision, you blasphemer.

But let's say it did. Cutié would not be the first public figure to demand a religious trade in order to get his righteous grind on. Behold, Riptide's Holy Trinity of denominational journeymen:

Henry the Eighth 
Alex Rodriguez 
George W. Bush 
Conveniently adopted religion: Methodism

OK, so Dubya's born-again conversion had nothing to do with wooing a woman -- he already had that fox Laura. The heart he was trying to win was that of the religious conservative. You know, the angry Jesus voter.

Raised in Presbyterian and Episcopalian churches, this prodigal son spent most of his first 40 years worshipping at the altar of the Miller keg. But televangelist Billy Graham sat him down and conveyed to him the power of God and the short memory of the red-state voter. Nine years after being born again, Bush won the governorship of Texas and then went on to force his very special communion on the entire world.

Reverand Graham, if you're not too busy, Rush Limbaugh would like to see you. Bring your Bible.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts