Critical Mass Reaction: Ranking Comments From Most Commonsensical to Batsh*t Crazy

This week's news story about Critical Mass argues that Miami cops and motorists need to get over their anger and support the monthly cycling event.

Many readers, um, disagreed, to put it politely. Some said they'd share the road when bikers stopped breaking the law. One swore he would pimp out his cars just to slaughter cyclists. It all goes to prove our point: We need to figure this shit out quickly, Miami, before someone else gets run over and killed.

Here are some comments from New Times readers, ranked from most commonsensical to craziest.

See also: Critical Mass: It's Time for Miami Police and Motorists to Respect Bike Riders

The Commonsensical:

Deep thoughts, avcaro9573. Yes, we should all be ashamed of ourselves. And no, we shouldn't be fighting. But did you really move to Florida -- land of face-eating zombies, Stand Your Ground, and Rick Scott -- thinking that people here were "conscious and civilized"? We are the state equivalent of a sea cucumber: brainless but ready to fight.

Well put.

Words so wise we n'er spoken by someone named Twisted Sister.

The Logically Questionable:

Let's tackle these two at once. We get it. It's annoying as a law-obeying driver to see cyclists fly through red lights. It seems unfair. But do you feel the same way when a funeral procession passes by? Do you angrily honk and try to cut them off? Because, apart from the corpse, the logic behind both is the same: It's ultimately faster and easier for a long line of cyclists (or cars full of mourners) to get to one place if they stay together. If cops were there to cork the intersections, Critical Mass could fly by in ten minutes and you'd be happily on your way.

Now you're just being cruel.

Blue Trumpet already blew up most of Anthony's arguments for us, but we'd like to point out that blaming your car's pollution on the carbon-neutral bikers pedaling past is pretty insane. Sure, blame global warming on the cyclists. And how dare we encourage exercise and environmental awareness by exempting cyclists from tolls?

Spray-painting a cycling symbol on a the blacktop every few miles does not a bike lane make.

You have a point, but without completely destroying our city and rebuilding it from scratch, we have to live with the mixed-use streets we already have. Critical Mass is about asserting cyclists' legal right to use those streets, even two lanes at a time. Drivers have to deal with it. Separate but equal isn't going to work.

The Morally Indefensible:

For a man with the middle name "Jesus," you are amazingly anti-Semitic.

We appreciate the attempt at evenhandedness, but this is a city built on immigration. It's best not to blatantly insult our origins. What, exactly, is a Chinese bike? And we're pretty sure they don't call them burros over there.

Your Batshit Crazy Comment of the Week:

Dear HarryTheHandyman. You sound like someone who twisted the heads off grasshoppers as a kid. Do you have anger issues? Uncontrollable rages? Try climbing down from your inadequacy mobile and onto a bike. You'll feel better.

Final Thoughts:

That's the thing, Frank. Barring physical disability, you can bike instead of driving your car. And you should.

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