| Flotsam |

Crashing Smackdown

John Hood
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Let me set the scene for you. I'm at The Command Center at the Triple A , which is one of the best staffed arenas in the country, by the way, trying to sort out my media credentials. People from production, security, law enforcement, all rolling by me. Lou, security chief of The White Room and tonight’s combination sidekick and bodyguard, is talking to his staff. Me, I’m working the phone.

In comes a behemoth of a man bellowing and drawing attention to himself. The man made it impossible for me to hear the cat I was talking to on the other end of the line.

“Yo, Killer,” I say to the monster. “I’m on the phone here.”

He stops and his shadow immediately engulfs me. I figure I better soft-pedal it a bit.

“Easy, Tiger. I’m just trying to hear my man inside,” I said to the man-beast.

“Tiger? Tiger?” The look in his eyes says dinner.

“Uh, Mr. Tiger.”

The man pauses then laughs, taps my shoulder with the weight of an anvil, and walks away.

“Do you know who that was?” asks Lou.

“No, who?” I say.

“Mark Gordon Henry.”

“Who the fuck is Mark Gordon Henry?”

“One of the world’s strongest men.”

We were at WWE’s Smackdown, and smack talk was what we’d come for.

That and a lot of highly melodramatic feats of fury between some of the biggest specimens on the planet. Kane, CM Punk, Batista, Shelton Benjamin, Stevie Richards, MVP – the line-up went on for a while. It went on for so long in fact that after a while I lost track, despite Lou’s crackerjack tutoring.

I do recall some crybaby blonde boy named Edge apologizing to an evil looking woman in a wheelchair (who I later learned was Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero, wife of Chavo and lover of the crybaby in question). Seems Edge had lost to the Undertaker up in Orlando last Sunday and felt that he’d let her and her goons down. Boo fucking hoo.

Cuban-born ECW GM Armando Estrado offered apparent whipping boy Colin Delaney a fat contract – if he could beat The Big Show. One chokehold and two body slams later, it was clear that the April Fool’s Day joke was on Colin.

I’m sworn to secrecy about the results of the rest of the matches (Smackdown airs Friday), but I will say that The Big Show is one of the nicest cats I’ve ever met, even if he is 7 foot tall and weighs-in at almost 500 pounds.

Oh, and Marc Henry’s okay too, and I don’t say that because he’s Smackdown’s strongest man. I say it because his biceps are bigger than my ego and that gives me something to shoot at next time I’m mouthing off.

– John Hood

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.