Five Coronavirus-Themed Wrestlers Who Truly Would Be Essential in Florida

A state order declares pro wrestling an "essential business" in Florida.
A state order declares pro wrestling an "essential business" in Florida. Photo by Miguel Discart/Flickr
Life during the coronavirus crisis has made distractions worth their weight in gold. It was all fun and games when we had Tiger King to stream on Netflix last month, but that was seven years ago in social-distancing time, leaving our entertainment cupboard bare of essentials.

Many of us are desperate for sports to return. Others miss scripted drama. And there are some who miss both: WWE fans. They miss the excitement. It's essential to their everyday lives. A life without Monday Night Raw is no life at all.

Luckily, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis had a solution for all of the above — a state order declaring wrasslin' an "essential business." Right now, according to the guv, grocery stores, hospitals, and WWE are all necessary in their own special way.

In honor of DeSantis' dangerously crooked and clueless ways, we decided to imagine a few pro wrestlers we'd like to see in a coronavirus-themed match.

Grouchy Fauci

Over the past few weeks, the nation has fallen in love with Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. He has appeared on everything from Desus & Mero to CNN town halls to podcasts with millions of followers. He's a superhero. He also has a mean side you do not want to meet.

Grouchy Fauci has a signature wrestling move that includes multiple kicks to the shin, followed by a mock physical exam. Channeling his frustration with President Donald Trump, he grumbles the entire time about having to perform a role clearly beneath his education and morals.

Doctor Don

You know that "PPE" stands for "personal protective equipment." But did you also know that it's a post-win move by Doctor Don? After he pins his opponent for a three-count and gets his hand thrust into the air in victory, he whips out an N95 mask and places it on the face of his unconscious opponent.

It's a gracious move. He just jumped off the top rope to break his opponent's back, but now that the match is over and it's time for the other guy to go to the hospital, Doctor Don knows the loser must be properly protected.

Corona Cyrus

Corona Cyrus is a huge asshole. He's our heel. Big-time villain.

Before a match, Cyrus crushes a 12-ounce Corona can on his head. He eats out of a Chinese takeout box on his way to the ring and unnecessarily touches all the ropes and turnbuckles when he enters it. Then he touches his face, taunting those wearing gloves and being supercareful. He rarely, if ever, loses.

Joe Erotic

The aforementioned Netflix documentary Tiger King will forever be linked to this weird-ass time in history. So it makes sense that the star would also play a role in our fictitious WWE show. Unfortunately, Joe Maldonado-Passage (AKA Joe Exotic) seems like the litigious type, so our lawyers have advised us to call him "Joe Erotic."

Joe Erotic obviously wears tiger-print banana hammocks and is totally inappropriate, yelling things about some woman named Carole into the crowd whenever his opponent is recovering from an elbow. He walks into the ring holding a baby tiger, and just before he drops his robe, he hands the cub off to a guy who looks like he loves NASCAR.

Ventilator Vick

Ventilators can be lifesavers, but the harsh reality is that roughly 70 percent of patients who are intubated never recover. Knowing that fact, Ventilator Vick lets three out of ten opponents off the mat after the referee's two-count. He's teasing the crowd and giving his opponent another shot at victory. He's that cocky.

Is his nickname in bad taste? Probably. Is the WWE out here worrying about people's feelings? They're putting on shows during a pandemic. These aren't normal people.
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.