As part of our project delivering Cleveland's unwanted LeBron James jerseys to Miami's homeless, we also announced an open call for "Dear LeBrons" -- missives from jilted Clevelanders bidding adieu to their high school sweetheart.
But most of the Clevelanders we spoke with declined to submit a Dear LeBron. They were sick of emoting for the entertainment of the rest of the nation. Apparently, they were saving the remainder of their wrath for the LeBron James Poetry Contest. Though we did collect a couple of great messages -- "I don't wish death upon you, LeBron. Just really bad tendonitis," said Marylou, a bartender at a Cleveland bowling alley -- we scrapped the Dear LeBrons from the story.
However, we can't let one opus go unpublished -- from Mike Polk, the Cleveland comedian behind the defining anthem of this summer, "LeBron James Is a Bitch." Today he strikes a concialatory tone with the "Art Garfunkel" of the NBA.
Don't you dare let anyone make you feel like less of a man for following your heart down to South Beach. It takes a big man to admit when he's beaten.
Sure, you could have stayed here, toiling through the Cleveland winters with solid role players complimenting [sic] your talents, being worshiped by your home town as a classy hero until you eventually delivered the historic championship you promised again and again. But you made the bold decision to look yourself in the mirror and say, "I don't have what it takes to do this, I'd better go find a team with a leader who has real heart, and leech off of that success."
And there is something to be said for that!
You now get to join the pantheon of slightly lesser-than "number twos." The Art Garfunkels, the Buzz Aldrins, dare I say it... the John Oateses. All men who came to the tough, but pragmatic, conclusion that they were good, but not quite good enough on their own.
So enjoy the sunshine, your new teammates, and what is sure to now be a completely different legacy than you may have originally intended. By the way, do you know who the second officer in command was under Ulysses S. Grant at the historic Battle of Shiloh? Apparently, it was Col. Everett Peabody.
Yeah, I'd never heard of him either.
Mike Polk Jr.
Cavaliers Fan for Life
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.