Chris Bosh Returns to the Heat, Proceeds to Destroy the Nets

Sure, it was the Nets. And sure, they're amongst the worst defenses in the NBA. But holy shitsnacks, it was awesome seeing Chris Bosh back in the Heat fold, dropping his silky smooth jumpers in honor of his dearly departed GloJean and turning Kris Humphries into a human-sized lump of coal in the process.

The Miami Heat completely obliterated New Jersey in a 108-78 beatdown. The entire Nets team was engulfed in flames, and everyone and everything in New Jersey was basically on fire. Oh and Eddie Curry dunked on an alley-oop, which is bananas.

Bosh finished the night with 20 points and took full advantage of the Nets' lack of size inside, proceeding to rabbit punch them in the nards with impunity. Coming into the game after missing the last three due to the death of his grandmother, Bosh was all, "Fuck this, I haven't played basketball in a long time," and hit eight of his first 11 shots. He then began drop-kicking fools in the throat with his inside and outside game, which was something the Heat had been seriously lacking in their last two losses, which were somehow all LeBron's fault.

Speaking of.... LBJ had himself yet another dominating-everyone's-ass-off performance. James went 9-for-11 -- which is pretty fucking fantastic but no one notices because ZOMG ALL THAT MATTERS IS THE VERY LAST SHOT OF THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!

He also grabbed nine rebounds and dished out six dimes, and in all likelihood would have ended the game with 40-plus points and a triple-double had the game not ended in the middle of the second quarter.

But with the clock winding down at the end of the third, LeBron drained a half court shot just to remind his detractors that he has a king cobra-sized penis, and that everyone needs to shut the fuck up about him already. Dipshits.

As for Dwyane Wade -- he did his part early in the game, shaking off all the suck that had overtaken him in Utah and L.A., and scoring 13 points on 6-for-8 shooting. But Wade didn't return in the second half after he rolled on his right ankle in the second quarter. Thanks to Miami's 27-point cushion, the Heat were able to rest Wade for the rest of the night to allow dudes like Juwan Howard and Eddie Curry to play some mop-up time. After the game, Wade said he was fine. Remember the days when Wade would get injured and everyone would be all, "Ah shit canons! There goes the season!" and run into the streets in a panic with their arms flailing over their heads? NEVER FORGET.

But the night belonged to Chris Bosh. Mostly because he suplexed the entire state of New Jersey with his amazeballs, but also because it's good to have him back in uniform, with his totally kick-ass 49.8 field goal percentage, reaffirming that, although he may not be the Heat's best player, he is definitely it's most important.

Last night gave us Chris Bosh back.

Last night also gave us this:

The Heat take on the Atlanta Hawks tonight at the Triple-A. Tipoff is at 7:30 p.m.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Joseph