Castro Death Meter: Panic! Dismay! Fidel Only 38 Percent Dead!

This week, a nation was compelled to watch as a bearded egomaniac from an impoverished region took to live TV for an overblown announcement.

LeBron schmebron. On Monday, the original self-proclaimed king with a six-foot-eight case of megalomania clawed his way back into global headlines by launching a multimedia assault.

El jefe supremo, el barbaro de la barba, el super-duper dictator-man, Fidel Castro first had photos released of him out-and-about. Then he went on Cuban TV to declare that the US and Israel are toying with nuclear apocalypse by threatening war against Iran. And then... He went out-and-about again.

Considering that Fidel hasn't made a public appearance outside of his palace since falling ill in 2006-- and Riptide declared him a healthy 83-percent dead just last month-- how mind-blowing is his apparent recovery? "You know the final scene in The Matrix, with the helicopter hitting the building and it creates those crazy waves?" one top political analyst tells us. "It's like that."

Americans love numbers. 78 percent of USA Today's appeal, after all, is those little charts it publishes. So we summoned the high-priced scientific experts we keep on retainer to feed these new developments into an IBM super computer and tell us: How dead is Fidel today? The results are alarming.

How dead is he?: 38 percent.

How dead is that?:Three out of four taxidermists would have no problem stuffing Fidel in his current state of death for mounting in an El Capitolio trophy case. And he's certainly not winning any beauty pageants with those cadaverous eyes and his new homeless fashion motif, our great-aunt Consuela tells us. But Cuban officials are proclaiming that Fidel is feeling so dandy that he swam to the bottom of the Gulf to single-handedly plug the oil leak with Kennedy's bones, a report which has been unconfirmed.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Riptide was walking by a senior CIA official's office when we heard him bark into his phone: "We don't have any more exploding seashells lying around? Did you check the attic? And all the TNT cigars have gone moldy? Damnitalltohell!" [click] "Gladys, get that Michigan guy they caught trying to kill bin Laden on the horn. Tell him... we may be in need of his services after all." Then there was a lot of nervous, maniacal laughter and the chugging of an entire fifth of Jamesons. Which seems like a bad sign for America.

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