4

Carlos Alvarez's Extreme Pandering Makeovers

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

The election to recall Carlos Alvarez is in five short days, but the County Mayor has done little in the way of mounting much of a public campaign to save himself. But it's not too late, there are still plenty of communities within the county rich with potential voters. It's time for Alvarez to pander like there's no tomorrow.

Luckily for the Alvarez campaign, our Art Director Pam Shavalier whipped up some potential image makeovers the Mayor could undertake in a last ditch effort to reach voters.

1. Gullible parents of 14-year-old girls

There are few forces on Earth as annoyingly persuasive as tween girls, and there are few things on Earth tween girls love more than Justin Bieber. Alvarez needs to learn the powers of the "Bieber Fever" and exploit them for his electoral purposes. You can bet Kendall mothers would sooner go to the polling place to keep him, than have to deal with little Susie threatening to lock herself in her room all weekend because her parents hate that dreamy Alvarez and his magical man-bangs.

2. Gays and other Real Housewives of Miami fans

Alvarez has never really been a friend to the Gays, but he can change that. There's nothing the Gays love more than a strong, sassy, opinionated woman. Just grab some lipstick and then proceed to snatch Norman Braman's wig off.

3. Hipsters

The power of Miami's hipster voting block has been ignored for much too long, but they did help to have WVUM named the best college radio station in the country, so maybe they could help vote to keep Alvarez in. Alvarez just needs to put on some lens-less glasses and skinny jeans and then show up at the Vagabond talking about how much he loves the new Gang Gang Dance single. Bonus points if he can get Pitchfork to name him "Best New Mayor."

4. Marijuana Enthusiasts

Marley Fest is this weekend, and what better place to make a last minute campaign appearance? Alvarez just needs to make a speech between sets and tell the crowd, "Have you ever thought that maybe the colors I see aren't the same colors you see? Like, woah, mind blown, I know. Vote for Alvarez." Then promise the crowd free Funyuns.

5. TMZ Devotees

For better or worse people can't get enough of Charlie Sheen, and if Alvarez wants to win, he better channel some of the "WINNING!" spirit. Hopefully he'll promise to install Goddesses atop every major County Department.

6. African-Americans

...actually we really can't give Alvarez much advice on this in terms of image that wouldn't come off as extremely offensive.

7. Tea Partiers

Every Republican politician wants some of that Tea Party support. Sure, Alvarez is up for recall in the first place for raising taxes while not reining in County spending, but there's still hope. Alvarez just needs to start saying "betcha," dropping his "g"s, and talk a lot about how he's a victim of the mainstream media. Sarah Palin hasn't really accomplished much politically, but it seems to work for her.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.