Barack Obama's "Ballsy" Victory: A Single-Word Review of What Happened On Election Night

Unless you're stuck in some Jack McKeon-like time warp in which Twitter relies on actual messenger pigeons, you've probably heard by now that Barack Obama punched yesterday's election in the crotch. And unless your name is Mitt Romney and you've permanently foregone alcohol and caffeine, your brain is probably a soggy mush of post-celebratory/funereal booze and Election Night energy drinks this morning.

So we're going to make this easy on you. Here's our single-word review of everything that happened last night, starting with Obama's victory.


Obama's victory speech: Lincoln-y

Obama's margin of victory: Nate-Silver-y

Mitt Romney's Election Day performance: Meh

Romney's concession speech: Short

Romney's face during concession speech: Puffy
(Allergic reaction to losing? Inconsolable backstage sobbing?)

Romney's audience: Chalky

Obama's audience: Grad-student-y

Joe Biden: Plastered

Florida: Clusterf*cked

Miami-Dade County: Atrasado

Bill Nelson: Grapenuts

Connie Mack: Grapenutted

Allen West: Ballotf*cked

David Rivera: Corruptif*cked

Michele Bachmann: F*cked?

Alan Grayson: Back

County Commissioners: Limited

Miami Herald/Tampa Bay Times/Mason-Dixon poll that showed Romney up by 6 percentage points: Oops

Democrats: Resurgent

Republicans: Worried

Latinos: Gracias!

Obama's future: Fiscal-Cliff-Avoidance

Romney's future: Pilates

America's future: Bright

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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