Pintos need not apply

Babysitters for Your Bentley

"Dedicating and doting" are words generally associated more with a tireless nurse or a mother on a mission. The Regent South Beach now wants them to link them to another category of servants: valet parkers.

To be sure, valets are an integral element of the American work-force, or at least the dining and hospitality industries. But a crummily paid valet, whose skill level typically does not rise above the ablility to operate a motor vehicle, is generally regarded as more of a rouge than a care giver.

The Regent, a swanky hotel that opened this past December at 1458 Ocean Drive, wants to change that with what it terms the ultimate in luxury amenities: A car-sitting service. That's right: Fuck Fido; these guys are willing to baby sit your wheels.

Beginning at a meager $500, The Regent is graciously offering its most revered guests (meaning those with the largest bank accounts and smallest IQs) a "dedicated and doting valet who will closely monitor their car in the hotel's on-site parking garage until sunrise." But of course, not all makes and models are worthy of VIP treatment; to winnow out the luxury imposters, guests -- who are paying up to $2200 for their accomodations -- must stand at the hotel lobby and complete an application form listing make, model, year, and condition of their chosen vehicle. Staffers reserve the right to deny a ride access to the "car turndown service."

Car-friendly lullabys available upon request. -Joanne Green

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