An Open Letter To Francis X. Suarez: For God's Sake, Hire a Speechwriter

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Dear Francis X. Suarez,

It was with great optimism and endearing faith in the potential of our elected politicians that I clicked on your recent "Open Letter to Miami" in the Huffington Post. Then I read this sentence: "With our magical coast and most enviable weather, a patch work of cultures that makes us as unique as the people that call Miami home we are now at that great intersection where opportunity meets greatness."

The City of Miami is headed towards a crucial mayoral election on November 5, an election you may very well win. By writing this letter I am asking you to hire a speechwriter, for god's sake, so that we never have to suffer through your turgid, punctuation-less prose ever again.

Francis, you may have received your handsome and immovable helmet-hair from your father, but it seems you've also inherited Mayor Loco's knack for writing nonsense.

Like Xavier's perplexing, 195-page book "A Unified Theory of God, Mind & Matter," your letter to Miami is more tortuous than a Taser to the testicles.

Consider this twisted tangle of characters that you apparently believe to be a coherent sentence:

I have an unbending faith in the people of Miami as a direct result of having been born and raised under the watchful eye of a caring and dutiful mother and a father who instilled a strong work ethic, integrity and honesty, but it is also a very close knit community that has proven instrumental in guiding my choices.

Or this mind-boggling block of text:

That is what we're left with today; a choice. A choice to look forward in envisioning a future with unlimited potential, unbridled prosperity and opportunity for all those willing to work hard to create sustained economic mobility. The choice is clear for those optimistic of heart and resilient of spirit that imagine a Miami that leads the nation in technology and innovation. The choice is clear for those that demonstrate the courage to embrace positive and meaningful change. The choice is clear for those who believe that the best days for Miami are still ahead of us.

No, Francis, nothing about this verbal vomit is "clear." This is just a sad string of empty platitudes, pasted together by sophomoric repetition.

You are asking us to elect you mayor, yet you give us this? You have raised half a million dollars, yet you can't hire someone to craft something better than this crap?

"Now is not the time for complacency nor a commitment to the status quo," you write. "Now is the time to start the countdown to change."

Start by hiring a speechwriter.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.