An Eight-Foot Venomous Cobra Is Terrorizing Florida

A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week, and on Friday, we're here to bring you the oddest. This week: a porno plot that played out in real life and ended badly, a venomous snake on the loose, and an epic trolling of schoolchildren carried out by the local school board. 

An Eight-Foot Cobra Terrorizes Orlando
When we found out a cobra was loose in Orlando, we thought, So what? Who cares? This is Florida. It happens. Then we found out the snake is eight feet long and possibly threatening schoolchildren, so we changed our mind.

The snake in question escaped earlier this week from the home of its owner in the Orlando area. Its species, the king cobra, is the longest venomous snake in the world. It's neurotoxin-filled bite can prove fatal — even to an elephant. Coincidentally, the snake's owner lives near an elementary school, which could lead to disastrous results, so the children have been kept inside since the snake's escape while officials try to catch it.

The good news, however, is that king cobras are not aggressive toward humans, and most people who have sustained bites from the species are snake handlers. In other words, the chances of this species sneaking up on someone and biting are rare. In fact, its chief food source is other snakes and smaller animals such as lizards and rodents. Officials hope to find the snake, because even though it isn't native to Florida, they suspect the snake could survive in the wild just fine if they never found it.
Blowjob Bribe Blows Up in Woman's Face
Arielle Engert had gotten herself into trouble by putting a lot of things into her body, and she was apparently willing to put a lot more into it to get out of that trouble. So say deputies in Pinellas County, who claim the 24-year-old offered them all oral sex to get out of various drunk-driving and drug-related charges, according to the particularly appropriately named source for this story, the Smoking Gun. 

The incident occurred in the early hours of Monday morning, when Engert was pulled over in Clearwater. Police noticed that her speech and movement weren't so clear, and Engert failed multiple roadside sobriety tests. Her blood alcohol content was later revealed to be twice the legal limit. Engert also admitted to having some marijuana in her purse. 

However, when Dep. Brian Sudbrink tried to take her into custody, Engert said she'd perform oral sex and other sex acts on him if he let her go. Sudbrink thought better and took her in. Deputies Obed Muñoz and Eric Biddle then found a baggie of cocaine in Engert's bra. She had a "if at first you don't succeed, try again" mentality and offered both of those deputies oral sex to get out of it. They too declined the offer. So in addition to DUI, pot possession, and introducing contraband to jail charges, Engert was also charged with three counts of bribery. She has since bonded out of jail for $5,150. 

Palm Beach County School District Trolls Students on Twitter 
Remember when we thought there might be a hurricane heading to Florida last week? Yeah, ha-ha, good times. Anyway, the Palm Beach County School District decided to have a little fun with students when announcing on Twitter whether school would be in session Monday. 

So who wants to know if there will be school tomorrow? Answer coming in minutes...

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

Kids were not pleased with having to wait. Here's a small sampling. 

@pbcsd tell us, we're dying to know

— Nooblet Bloxian (@theretronooblet) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd there better be no school

— Lukei. (@patsin8) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd school already causes me anxiety my county Twitter account shouldn't

— Lil Loco (@saralynlerner) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd please I have so many things to do in such little time

— gianna|binge|wild (@smileycalhood) August 30, 2015

Whoever was handling the Twitter got a kick out of the attention. 

You should pay this close attention in class, students!

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

Kids remain unpleased. They even brought out the big guns. Yes, they brought the memes. 

@pbcsd pic.twitter.com/MENL3MzEkk

— bella (@nbhdftzaynjm) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd pic.twitter.com/j88HKJQ44l

— DP13® (@ParrNation13) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd pic.twitter.com/oNv3XM5fMi

— Brady Penta (@bradypentaa) August 30, 2015

Yes, even a Pepe. Not the rarest of Pepes, but a Pepe nonetheless. 

Finally, PBCSD dropped the announcement. 

IMPORTANT UPDATE: All @pbcsd schools and facilities will be OPEN for regular schedules Monday, August 31.

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

Kids remained displeased. 

@pbcsd pic.twitter.com/ACA1nADsRZ

— j twinky (@jakeekessel) August 30, 2015

. @pbcsd okay but there's flash flood warnings for nearly all of Florida pic.twitter.com/gP9CPooYMa

— Kuh-Reem (@WTFKAREEM) August 30, 2015

@pbcsd pic.twitter.com/BF2Q4BrD2J

— tess (@tessawhitehall) August 30, 2015

PBSCD reminded the kids to just chill and put things in perspective. 

Students, remember you do get the next two Mondays (Sept. 7 & 14) off and also the 23rd.

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

Then this happened. 

@lordddlima It's all good. We won't take it personally. You will thank us later for your education. #PBCPublicProud

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

But then PBCSD said it wasn't even trying to troll. Kids today just let themselves get trolled unintentionally. #SMDH. 

Was not our intention to be perceived as "playing games". Knew the call was being made, and we posted as soon as we knew. Readying followers

— PBCSD (@pbcsd) August 30, 2015

One kid tried his best. 

@pbcsd *slides a $20* is school still open now??

— Rian Kuffo (@noodlezzzzzzzz) August 30, 2015

Anyway, some of these poor kids haven't actually had a hurricane day in their lives, but, whatever, they're in Palm Beach and don't even have to worry about being killed by an eight-foot cobra, so it's all good.