An Eight-Foot Venomous Cobra Is Terrorizing Florida

A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week, and on Friday, we're here to bring you the oddest. This week: a porno plot that played out in real life and ended badly, a venomous snake on the loose, and an epic trolling of schoolchildren carried out by the local school board. 

An Eight-Foot Cobra Terrorizes Orlando
When we found out a cobra was loose in Orlando, we thought, So what? Who cares? This is Florida. It happens. Then we found out the snake is eight feet long and possibly threatening schoolchildren, so we changed our mind.

The snake in question escaped earlier this week from the home of its owner in the Orlando area. Its species, the king cobra, is the longest venomous snake in the world. It's neurotoxin-filled bite can prove fatal — even to an elephant. Coincidentally, the snake's owner lives near an elementary school, which could lead to disastrous results, so the children have been kept inside since the snake's escape while officials try to catch it.

The good news, however, is that king cobras are not aggressive toward humans, and most people who have sustained bites from the species are snake handlers. In other words, the chances of this species sneaking up on someone and biting are rare. In fact, its chief food source is other snakes and smaller animals such as lizards and rodents. Officials hope to find the snake, because even though it isn't native to Florida, they suspect the snake could survive in the wild just fine if they never found it.
Blowjob Bribe Blows Up in Woman's Face
Arielle Engert had gotten herself into trouble by putting a lot of things into her body, and she was apparently willing to put a lot more into it to get out of that trouble. So say deputies in Pinellas County, who claim the 24-year-old offered them all oral sex to get out of various drunk-driving and drug-related charges, according to the particularly appropriately named source for this story, the Smoking Gun

The incident occurred in the early hours of Monday morning, when Engert was pulled over in Clearwater. Police noticed that her speech and movement weren't so clear, and Engert failed multiple roadside sobriety tests. Her blood alcohol content was later revealed to be twice the legal limit. Engert also admitted to having some marijuana in her purse. 

However, when Dep. Brian Sudbrink tried to take her into custody, Engert said she'd perform oral sex and other sex acts on him if he let her go. Sudbrink thought better and took her in. Deputies Obed Muñoz and Eric Biddle then found a baggie of cocaine in Engert's bra. She had a "if at first you don't succeed, try again" mentality and offered both of those deputies oral sex to get out of it. They too declined the offer. So in addition to DUI, pot possession, and introducing contraband to jail charges, Engert was also charged with three counts of bribery. She has since bonded out of jail for $5,150. 

Palm Beach County School District Trolls Students on Twitter 
Remember when we thought there might be a hurricane heading to Florida last week? Yeah, ha-ha, good times. Anyway, the Palm Beach County School District decided to have a little fun with students when announcing on Twitter whether school would be in session Monday. 
Kids were not pleased with having to wait. Here's a small sampling.  Whoever was handling the Twitter got a kick out of the attention. 
Kids remain unpleased. They even brought out the big guns. Yes, they brought the memes. 

Yes, even a Pepe. Not the rarest of Pepes, but a Pepe nonetheless. 

Finally, PBCSD dropped the announcement. 
Kids remained displeased.  PBSCD reminded the kids to just chill and put things in perspective. 
Then this happened.  But then PBCSD said it wasn't even trying to troll. Kids today just let themselves get trolled unintentionally. #SMDH.  One kid tried his best.  Anyway, some of these poor kids haven't actually had a hurricane day in their lives, but, whatever, they're in Palm Beach and don't even have to worry about being killed by an eight-foot cobra, so it's all good. 
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Kyle Munzenrieder