The Dolphins lost another football game yesterday, this time 31-21 to the Buffalo Bills. Rather than boring you with all of the statistics and takes about whether it's good the Dolphins moved to 0-6 this season, we'll just present video evidence of how Miami bookended the game with two of the worst football plays you'll ever see.
Is everybody ready for some fun? Well, alrighty then. Let's dive into yesterday's strain of Dolphins stink.
On the Fins' second defensive play against the Bills, rookie defensive lineman Christian Wilkins was ejected for throwing a punch. He practiced all week, took a flight to Buffalo, put on his football clothes, and, 34 seconds into the game, was sent to take a mandatory shower.
Let's break down an entire game's worth of Wilkins film. Don't worry if you have work to do or something on the stove. This will take just a second:
On the Dolphins' first offensive play, Albert Wilson was sacked for a loss of ten yards. Wilson is a wide receiver. He was not involved with the center-quarterback transaction. He received the football from Ryan Fitzpatrick and from there was apparently deemed the new quarterback of the Dolphins before he was tackled by multiple Bills players two seconds later.
It bears repeating: The Dolphins had an entire week to think about it and decided this was the best play they should use to start the game. Bless their hearts.
Believe it or not, the Dolphins did some OK things after making these hideous plays. They actually led the Bills. Multiple times even! At halftime, they had a 14-9 lead, WE SHIT YOU NOT. You know the final score, though: 31-21. You're not here to reminisce about the good in a ten-point loss; you're here to laugh at the Dolphins being a special brand of terrible.
With this in mind, we present to you the final moments of the Dolphins' loss — a glass case of emotion, a roller coaster of jubilation followed by the reality of an ice-bucket challenge.
With 1:54 left in the game and the Dolphins down ten, Ryan Fitz-magic went full magical unicorn, running like a wild horse into the end zone for a violent-ending touchdown run. Fitzpatrick's TD seemed like a lot of work. It looked like a lot of effort to expend for seven points. It would be terrible if it were all undone in, say, four seconds.
The Fitz-magic-est touchdown of all time, of course, gave the Dolphins life. All they needed to do was recover the onside kick. It has happened before. It did not happen on this specific occasion at all. Not even a little. This is actually the opposite of that:
The 2019 Miami Dolphins are truly a miracle that should be widely recorded and uploaded to YouTube for future educational purposes. There might never be another team quite like this one.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.