4
| Flotsam |

A Mouse (or Ten) in the House

Eeek!

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

When I moved into my dee-luxe Miami Beach apartment in the sky, I figured that the most I would have to worry about would be prudish neighbors complaining about the hard bass lines pounding through the walls. But recently, when I heard a scratching noise in my cabinet, I knew then that my piece of the pie had been gnawed on. And I immediately knew who/what the culprit was.

So I made a silent pact with the rodent -- let's call him Gentle Ken -- that he could have that cabinet. Look Ken, it's yours. Two stories, fully stocked with food. I won't come in and fuck with you if you don't come out and fuck with me.

From that day on, I heard him maybe twice, but I figured that he had found something nicer, perhaps with the view that he had always dreamed of. So imagine my horror when I'm sitting in my living room and Ken comes scurrying out of the kitchen and into my coat closet. I hurled insults at him, screamed, and threw shoes, but the bastard wouldn't leave the closet. He would peek out, go back in, peek out, run out a little, go back in.

I grudgingly kept quiet while Ken did his little dance in and out of my closet. Finally, he ran his furry ass back into the kitchen while I cringed on the couch. So disrespectful. I had no choice but to put the extermination wheels in motion. I called a friend who called a friend who could "get rid of that motherfucka."

Uncle L came over. Empty handed. He proceeded to tell me his plan: put down a couple of glue traps, go home, mow his lawn, and smoke a cigar.

Later, in the middle of the night, Ken came back out, and he brought his crew. Walking to the fridge for a glass of water, I heard an eerie screaming sound. I added my own scream to the creepy soundtrack as I peered into the kitchen and saw it: a five-inch mouse struggling on a glue trap.

Like the bitch I am, I ran downstairs to security and demanded -- er, persuaded someone to come up and get it. Over the next ninety minutes, a guard had to come up to my $1500-a-month one-bedroom unit at the Mirador to get four more mice.

I spent a mousy-dream-filled night sleeping in my Pier One papasan, waking at 7 a.m. to see two more mice running around in the living room. Hell no. So I pulled on some rain boots and stomped to my closet for the phone book. After calling 12 exterminators, none of whom wanted to come out on a Sunday, I reached Roberto at Gold Coast Pest Control. At my door in a jiffy, the gregarious Roberto laughed at my fear and threw some poison in the previously-undiscovered, quarter size holes in my walls. He promised me that they would die, never come back again.

Two days later, I found one of Ken's friends struggling on a trap again. I had to call Terminix. I needed a commercial guarantee. I needed the guy in the all-white. But when he arrived, even he didn't come to my rescue. After a lot of talk about contracts and $300 up front, he persuaded me to forget about Terminix.

As a favor to me and Ken, he went in his big black box, saying, "I'm going to do something for you." He pulled out a long stick swathed in yellow plastic.

"Is that a Slim Jim?"

"Yup," he said. "They love it." Do they ever: Five more of Ken's friends have showed their ugly little faces since then. -Raina McLeod

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.