Why Donald Trump Wanted Flo Rida at His Inauguration

Flo Rida has the perfect theme song for Trump.
Flo Rida has the perfect theme song for Trump.
Courtesy of the artist's management
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In January, when starfucker-in-chief Donald Trump was looking for some music acts more famous than 3 Doors Down to play his inauguration concert, a vicious rumor was going around that local boy made good Flo Rida had agreed to perform for $1 million. The story circulated so widely that it was the number one trending story on Facebook. Fortunately for progressive fans of the Carol City rapper, the rumor turned out to be merely an alternative fact.

Poring over the lyrics of Flo Rida's catalog of hits, though, anyone can easily understand why Trump would want to see the rapper showboating on the welcome mat. Take, for example, "My House." The lyrics of this former number one song, which has been a staple at sporting events, could be interpreted as supportive of xenophobic policies. The idea of "It's my house" is the central philosophy behind many of Trump's policies: building big walls around his house, canceling Obamacare insurance policies in his house, even limiting freedoms of the press in his house. But Trump might not be so keen on this anthem if he learned it got its hook from sampling the Honey Drippers song "Impeach the President."

Then there's "Whistle," one of modern music's catchiest odes to blowjobs. Trump, who famously told a female Apprentice contestant that it "must be a pretty picture, you dropping to your knees," has almost certainly jammed out to this song on the gold-plated penthouse speakers. And besides, Trump ran his campaign as a law-and-order candidate. Police officers blow whistles to stop crimes all the time, don't they?

But perhaps the perfect Trump track in the Flo Rida oeuvre is "Club Can't Handle Me," a Top 10 song that sums up the Donald's whole shtick. "I own the night, and I don't need no help/Gotta be the feeling that Scarface player/Stuntin' go wild, can't handle this plan/Life of the club arrogant like yeah." While the rest of the world sees an heir to a billion-dollar fortune, when Trump looks in the mirror, he sees an outsider, too rough for the sissies in Washington, D.C. It's the perfect theme song for the image the president portrays on Twitter, where he's the commander-in-chief of the world's attention.

Fortunately, Flo Rida didn't buy into the hype. So you can feel good about showing up at LIV this Friday to see him perform all of the above tracks.

Flo Rida
8 p.m. Friday, February 17, at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; fontainebleau.com; 305-538-2000. Tickets cost $70 to $99 via fontainebleau.com.

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