2016 has been awful for many, many different reasons. But one of the biggest turds fate has left on our pillows this year came in the form of the United States of America's presidential campaign.
In the end, when the dust cleared and Marco Rubio finally agreed to stop playing the Smiths and come out of his room, we were left with Trump and Clinton. What followed has been the most hateful, dishonest, and downright dangerous political cycle this country has ever seen.
We'd like to say that it all comes to an end tomorrow, but chances are this is just our political reality now, and in 2020 — who knows? — we'll probably be watching a debate between Ted Nugent's AR-15 and the girl who shit her pants on
Needless to say we're going to need some help of the alcoholic variety to get us through tomorrow night. Luckily, there's no shortage of options to drink your way through election night in Miami.
(We'll be updating this list as more parties pop onto our radar.)
8. The Mighty Bipartisan Election Night Party. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at the Mighty, 2224 Coral Way, Miami; themightymiami.com. Admission is free.
Coral Way tubed-meat haven the Mighty is reaching its juicy sausages all the way across the aisle for this bipartisan bash. To help you make it to decision time, the restaurant is offering $2 tacos, $4 craft beer draft specials, election-themed cocktails, and a presidential-themed photo booth so you can always remember where you were when American either did or didn't become great again.
7. Election Day with PARTYNEXTDOOR. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at E11even, 29 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-829-2911; 11Miami.com. Tickets cost $23 via 11miami.com.
E11even is offering a few different ways to blow off some political steam on election night. Inside the 24/7 megaclub downstairs, OVO signee PARTYNEXTDOOR will be hosting his official concert after-party. Attendees will be able to keep up with election results by taking the elevator upstairs to the Rooftop at E11even, where live results will be projected onto 16-foot screens. The rooftop will offer seating, beer buckets, and wings starting at 7 p.m. Anyone wearing their "I Voted" sticker to the roof will receive one free complimentary cocktail.
6. Election Night Garden Watch Party at O Cinema. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at O Cinema Wynwood, 90 NW 29th St., Miami; 305-571-9970; o-cinema.org. Admission is free; RSVP via thenewtropic.com.
The New Tropic will be taking a stroll down memory lane at O Cinema with the help of Kevin Wynn from the Wolfson Archives, which will be providing some bizarre and weird vintage election footage
5. Poolside Election Coverage at the Confidante. 8 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at the Confidante, 4041 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-424-1234. Admission is free.
The Confidante will be playing the election coverage live from its pool bar, offering patrons a chance to order a drink, hit the pool, and then promptly dive to the bottom of the deep end, where even the sound of Donald Trump's sniffling, gurgling racism can't reach you.
4. Ball & Chain Election Watch Party. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at Ball & Chain, 1513 SW Eighth St., Miami; ballandchainmiami.com. Admission is free.
The first hundred people who show up to Ball & Chain's election night party will receive free tapas, paella, and a welcome mojito. If you're a little tardy, be sure to bring your "I Voted" sticker with you to earn one free cocktail. After you've claimed your prize, find a seat in front of the pineapple stage, where a projector will be live-streaming the possible apocalypse.