2016 has been awful for many, many different reasons. But one of the biggest turds fate has left on our pillows this year came in the form of the United States of America's presidential campaign.
In the end, when the dust cleared and Marco Rubio finally agreed to stop playing the Smiths and come out of his room, we were left with Trump and Clinton. What followed has been the most hateful, dishonest, and downright dangerous political cycle this country has ever seen.
We'd like to say that it all comes to an end tomorrow, but chances are this is just our political reality now, and in 2020 — who knows? — we'll probably be watching a debate between Ted Nugent's AR-15 and the girl who shit her pants on
Needless to say we're going to need some help of the alcoholic variety to get us through tomorrow night. Luckily, there's no shortage of options to drink your way through election night in Miami.
(We'll be updating this list as more parties pop onto our radar.)
8. The Mighty Bipartisan Election Night Party. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at the Mighty, 2224 Coral Way, Miami; themightymiami.com. Admission is free.
Coral Way tubed-meat haven the Mighty is reaching its juicy sausages all the way across the aisle for this bipartisan bash. To help you make it to decision time, the restaurant is offering $2 tacos, $4 craft beer draft specials, election-themed cocktails, and a presidential-themed photo booth so you can always remember where you were when American either did or didn't become great again.
7. Election Day with PARTYNEXTDOOR. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at E11even, 29 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-829-2911; 11Miami.com. Tickets cost $23 via 11miami.com.
E11even is offering a few different ways to blow off some political steam on election night. Inside the 24/7 megaclub downstairs, OVO signee PARTYNEXTDOOR will be hosting his official concert after-party. Attendees will be able to keep up with election results by taking the elevator upstairs to the Rooftop at E11even, where live results will be projected onto 16-foot screens. The rooftop will offer seating, beer buckets, and wings starting at 7 p.m. Anyone wearing their "I Voted" sticker to the roof will receive one free complimentary cocktail.
6. Election Night Garden Watch Party at O Cinema. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at O Cinema Wynwood, 90 NW 29th St., Miami; 305-571-9970; o-cinema.org. Admission is free; RSVP via thenewtropic.com.
The New Tropic will be taking a stroll down memory lane at O Cinema with the help of Kevin Wynn from the Wolfson Archives, which will be providing some bizarre and weird vintage election footage
5. Poolside Election Coverage at the Confidante. 8 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at the Confidante, 4041 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-424-1234. Admission is free.
The Confidante will be playing the election coverage live from its pool bar, offering patrons a chance to order a drink, hit the pool, and then promptly dive to the bottom of the deep end, where even the sound of Donald Trump's sniffling, gurgling racism can't reach you.
4. Ball & Chain Election Watch Party. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at Ball & Chain, 1513 SW Eighth St., Miami; ballandchainmiami.com. Admission is free.
The first hundred people who show up to Ball & Chain's election night party will receive free tapas, paella, and a welcome mojito. If you're a little tardy, be sure to bring your "I Voted" sticker with you to earn one free cocktail. After you've claimed your prize, find a seat in front of the pineapple stage, where a projector will be live-streaming the possible apocalypse.
3. Election Night Viewing Party Barbecue & Bubbles. 5:30 p.m. Tuesday, November 7, at the Vagabond, 7301 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-400-8420; thevagabondhotel.com. Admission is free.
The Vagabond will have two separate screens playing the results. When your anxiety reaches dangerous levels, take a step back and enjoy some $15 BBQ meals and $50 bottles of Champagne Perrier Jouët. Added bonus: Chicken wings can double as ear plugs so you don't have to listen to idiots explain why, like, either way, dude, we're, like, all screwed, man.
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2. Standard Votes: Election Night Party. 7 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at the Standard, 40 Island Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-1717; standardhotels.com/miami. Admission is with RSVP via standardelectionday.splashthat.com.
Surely the Standard — Miami's experts in the art of relaxation and all things zen — can provide a soothing environment from which to watch the fate of the free world dangle between the chubby fingers of a fascist who talks about sexual assault with Billy Bush. There will be beer pong, corn hole, and political-scandal trivia hosted by drag versions of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Plus, passport applications will be available to those seriously considering a move to Canada.
1. Election Day Coverage at Gramps. 8 p.m. Tuesday, November 8, at Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 305-699-2669; gramps.com. Admission is free.
Gramps will be hosting a free gathering open to both sides of the aisle. Results will be pouring in on all of Gramps TVs as well on indoor and outdoor projectors. According to owner Adam Gersten, viewing options will include Stephen Colbert on Showtime, Fox, PBS, and CNN. Your "I Voted" stickers won't earn you free drinks at Gramps, but there will be a champagne toast at midnight regardless of the winner.