What exactly lured Juggalos, happy drunks, and hot Miami mamis to a rager at the zoo?
Well, all-you-can-drink beer. (Unfortunately, no spiked Faygo Red Pop.) But also, as New Times' Brew at the Zoo master of ceremonies Notorious Nastie excitedly croaked: "You've seen him on TV! And you've seen him every time that there's been someone with a hi-top fade and the lines in the side! He's sold more records than all you bastards put together! You don't have to be a Juggalo to love him!
"Scream for Vanilla Ice!"
Buzzed off Miami Vice IPA, free Swisher Sweets, and complimentary e-cigs, the party people mobbed the BATZ main stage at Zoo Miami, chanting choice To the Extreme lyrics and trying not to fall on their asses while doin' the running man.
"Everybody here's had 600 ounces of beer," Mr. Notorious (perhaps accurately) reported, "and we're reeeeeeaaaaaady."
Further hyping the imminent arrival of the Ice man, Nastie, accompanied by the homie Otto Von Schirach, joked: "I know this is Miami and you're all powered by haterade.
"But I want you to squeeze in! Nut to butt, people! Nut to butt! Feel something in the front and the back!"
"Welcome to the platinum-selling artist, reality TV hoster, my ninja and your ninja ... Vanilla Ice!"
And that's when Ice finally emerged.
He popped out from the fringed gut of an inflatable, skull-faced grim reaper, bounding 'round through fake smoke and a red gloom while barking, "I'm from the dirty, dirty South!"
"That's family love," Vanilla said, shouting out the Juggalos and 305ers. "I'm happy to be in Miami, bitch!"
For Vanilla Ice trivia buffs, the rapper and television personality otherwise known as Rob Van Winkle offered up some fascinating personal factoids.
"I grew up right here in South Florida," Ice shouted. "My dad was from Ecuador. And he worked at Potamkin Chevrolet.
"So," he snickered, "you mighta even bought a car from that motherfucker!"
Another fun Vanilla fact: "I was born on Halloween. It was October 31, 1967. And I wrote a song about that shit."
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The All Hallows' Eve-themed track, sung to the tune of "This Is Halloween" from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, features a cameo from Ice's homies, Insane Clown Posse, and goes like ...
"With my mask I trick and treat! Spooks and freaks all over your street! Born on Halloween! Born on Halloween! Born on Halloween!"
Naturally, Ice's crew included a psycho clown hypeman.
Throughout the show, the rapper and his circus freak sidekick indiscriminately soaked Juggalos and 305ers with bottled water from a stack of 24 packs. They even drenched the hot Miami mamis who'd crashed the stage to shake ass and sing along to some old-school shit.
"Runnin' man!" Vanilla shouted, pointing at the babes busting moves. "Ooohhh, we got the splits goin' on!"
Of course, though, the Ice man also dropped a lil' life advice.
"Who's watched my show on the DIY Network?" The Vanilla Ice Project star asked, plugging his reality series before uncorking the wisdom. "That's how you don't end up like MC Hammer. Get up in the morning. Drink your coffee. Get out. Do work."
"Life isn't about celebrity-ism, red carpets, money, cars. Forget the news, the housing market. Fuck that shit. It's all about family and friends and hard work."
Then, practicing what he preaches, Vanilla showed off his work ethic, ripping out reinvented versions of "Ninja Rap" ("I still love them Turtles, man") and "Play That Funky Music" ("Shout out to our military!") before ending with a faithful rendition of his greatest hit.
"I wrote this next song when I was 16, out on South Beach," Ice hollered over that unforgettable dum, da-da-dum, dum, dum, dum.
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"All right stop, collaborate and listen," he, the Juggalos, happy drunks, hot mamis, and the rest of the party people rapped in unison. "Ice, Ice, baby! Vanilla! Ice, Ice, baby! Vanilla!
"Word to your mother, Miami!" he smirkingly shouted. "And remember, yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery."
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