Who will survive Ultra Music Festival, Winter Music Conference, and Miami Music Week 2013?
With UMF becoming a two-weekend behemoth and WMC/MMW turning into a ten-day smackdown, the month of March in the MIA has officially become an insane EDM endurance test. And here is the most important rule: Do not attend any less than an average of two beat-freaking parties per day.
So stay PLUR, keep hydrated, and please consult New Times' guide to the twenty best parties during this year's WMC and MMW. It just might save your life.
Made in Miami. With Oscar G, DJ Sneak, Cocodrills, Miss Jennifer, Lazaro Casanova, George Acosta, Ralph Falcon, Stryke, and Roland. Friday, March 15, 10 a.m., Shelborne South Beach, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-1271; shelborne.com. Tickets cost $23 to $53 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Everyone knows he's the bearded, sunglasses-clad hero of Miami EDM. But were you aware that Oscar G's been rocking facial scruff and sweet shades since birth? (Well, at least according to the flyer for this year's Made in Miami party depicting Oscar as a baby.) Fuck yeah, bro, he's that cool.
Kaskade. With Project 46. Friday, March 15, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Some Confucius-like words of wisdom (via Twitter) from the electronic dance music superstar known as Kaskade: "A fun-size candy bar is way less fun." Translation: Forget moderation. This is a party, dude. Eat, drink, fist-pump. No regrets.
Caligula and Lazerdisk Party Sex. Saturday, March 16, 10 p.m., Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $25 to $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. As a Roman Emperor, Caligula was a psycho and a pervert renowned for his mass-murderous ways and doing the dirty with his sisters. Meanwhile, Lazerdisk Party Sex was (probably) a brief '90s fad, involving movies, music, and partner swapping. Of course, those are also the names of two rad EDM crews, hailing from Miami and Vermont, respectively. Still, if history is any indication, this Hyde Beach bash is gonna a wildly depraved, high-tech good time.
Snoop Lion. Presented by Prestige Sundays. With DJs Camilo, Epps, and E-Feezy. Sunday, March 17 and 24, 10 p.m., Bamboo Miami Beach, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. In OG times, Snoop Lion (formerly known as Snoop Dogg, the Doggfather, and "Mr. 187 on a motherfucking cop") would've spent Sunday evening just sippin' on "Gin and Juice," puffin' on fat blunts, and humpin' up on some hos. But ever since his conversion to Rastafarianism, Snoop prefers paying homage to Jah while up in the club on the Holy Day. Still sparkin' that ganja every Sunday, though.
Maya Jane Coles. Presented by SAFE and Embrace. With special guests. Monday, March 18, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Presale tickets are sold out; admission at the door. Ages 21 and up. All tatted up with a severe superhipster haircut and a bull-ring through her nose, Ms. Maya Jane Coles is a tough wiry lady from the U.K. who looks like she could kick your ass. And she'll definitely do it. Just not with her fists. She's gonna beat you down with beats.
Skrillex. Presented by OWSLA. With Brodinski & Gesaffelstein, Crookers, Jack Beats, Alvin Risk, and Alex Metric. Tuesday, March 19, 10 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $90 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Speaking of dangerously asymmetrical haircuts, Planet Earth's premiere dubstepper -- six-time Grammy winner Sonny John Moore -- will soon be crash-landing the Skrillex spaceship into Story on South Beach. Destruction! Mayhem! EDM mosh pits!
Laidback Luke's Super You & Me. With Majestic, Martin Solveig, RL Grime, Showtek, and Henrix. Wednesday, March 20, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $60 to $80 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. There's almost too much of everything EDM during WMC and MMW. But not uhntz-uhntz-ing costume parties! So dress like a fist-pumping vigilante or a slutty superhero, then go rave for the human race with Dutch do-gooder Laidback Luke and his awesome sidekicks.
Kevin Saunderson. Alongside Carl Craig. As part of Detroit Premiere Artists Showcase. With Agoria, Audiofly, Luca Bacchetti, Mark Fanciulli, Nina Kraviz, Paul Woolford, Radio Slave, and Stacey Pullen. Wednesday, March 20, 10 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. This guy invented techno. No, really -- we're serious. It happened in Detroit about three decades ago. There were riots. The city was broke. So everyone decided to make soulful yet apocalyptic party music. Sounds a lot like 2013.
Knife Party's Haunted House Miami. With Tommy Trash, Kill the Noise, Walden, Jordy Dazz, and Candyland. Wednesday, March 20, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $70 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Normally, if you were invited to a knife party in a haunted house, we'd say: "Don't go! Stay Home! Call the cops!" In this case, though, we're talking about a couple of Australian electro house dudes and a reasonably safe South Beach club. So you probably won't end up a corpse with a blade in its gut.
Hard Miami. With Borgore, RL Grime, Nadastrom, Claude VonStroke, Brodinski & Gesaffelstein, Justin Martin, Destructo, and others. Wednesday and Thursday, March 20 and 21, at Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Single-day tickets cost $25 plus fees and two-day passes cost $40 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 18 and up. Visit hardfest.com. Our WMC and MMW motto: "The harder, the better." That's why we at New Times always emerge from this annual bang bash (masterminded by Los Angeles party promotions enterprise Hard Events and its aptly named founder, Destructo) an oozing, bruised, totally satisfied mess. Get Hard!
Dirtybird Players BBQ. With De La Soul, Claude VonStroke, Justin Martin, Eats Everything, Catz 'n Dogz, French Fries, J.Phlip, Worthy, Kill Frenzy, Leroy Peppers, and Justin Jay. Thursday, March 21, noon, Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The ingredients for a delectably badass day in downtown Miami are pretty basic. All you gotta have is a dash of classic hip-hop, heaping helpings of ass-clapping bass, and big mounds of hot, greasy grilled meat. Let the Dirtybird Players and De La Soul serve it up.
Steve Angello's Size Matters. With Steve Angello, Thomas Gold, AN21 & Max Vangeli, Sunnery James & Ryan Marciano, Third Party, Riva Starr, and Wayne & Woods. Thursday, March 21, 3 p.m., Fontainebleau Miami Beach's Ocean Lawn, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2000; fontainebleau.com. Tickets cost $80 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Oh, no! You couldn't afford to splurge on $749.95 VIP passes to Ultra Music Festival for the absolutely final performances ever by Swedish House Mafia! Well, as mob guy Steve Angello might say: "Don't you worry, don't you worry, child. See heaven's got a plan for you."
Fixed x Vagabond. With Tensnake, Bicep, Flight Facilities, Maxxi Soundsystem, Poolside, Light Year, and JDH & Dave P. Friday, March 22, 10 p.m., The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for women; ages 21 and up for men. If you've ever raged and raved with a Tensnake wrapped around your Bicep while a man named Maxxi Soundsystem battered your skull with BPMs, you know how wild a 14th Street party can get. Go relive those dangerous good times with the fifth annual Fixed x Vagabond bash.
Richie Hawtin's ENTER. With Paco Osuna, Gaiser, and Hobo. Friday, March 22, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Cerebral EDM avatar Richie Hawtin beckons: "ENTER." He would like to teach you about "the principles of underground music culture" and "encourage [you] to experiment with deeper sounds and styles." That's a fancier way of saying: "Stop listening to shit, please."
David and Cathy Guetta's F*** Me I'm Famous. With Nicky Romero and Daddy's Groove. Friday, March 22, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The last time someone cornered us and said "Fuck me, I'm famous," we grudgingly obliged, thinking it'd be the worst, most embarassing experience of our entire lives. Surprisingly, though, we had a pretty nice evening. And we've never regretted the encounter for a moment. So c'mon, Dave and Cathy, let's do this thing.
Hotflush Miami. Presented by SAFE and Embrace. With Scuba, Eric Prydz, George Fitzgerald, Dusky, South London Ordnance, and others. Saturday, March 23, 10 p.m.,
Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami. Electric Pickle Pop-Up at Club Axis, 1439 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Presale tickets are sold out; admission at the door. Ages 21 and up. Also known as hot flashes or night sweats, hot flushes are extreme surges in body temperature caused by radical fluctuations in hormone levels. But there are also other less common causes. Like, for example, feverishly dancing for eight fucking hours to the most amazing electronic dance music that you've ever heard outside your dreams.
Sin City Miami: Basshead Music Takeover. With Juan Basshead, Hatcha, P Money, Ntype, MC Crazy D, True Tiger, Lost, and others. Saturday, March 23, 8 p.m., EVE, 1306 N. Miami Ave. Miami; 305-995-5050; miamieve.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our fine municipality's official nickname is the "Magic City." But we all know that's a PR con job for tourists, right? Jusk ask a local like 305 banger Juan Basshead: If Vegas hadn't hijacked the MIA's rightful sobriquet, we'd all be shaking ass in a place called Sin City -- and not just for one night.
Miami Noize. Presented by Boys Noize Records. With Zeds Dead, Para One, Le1f, Destructo, Franki Chan, and others. Saturday, March 23, 8 p.m., Therapy, 60 NE 11th St., Miami; clubtherapymiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. WTF is all that noize? Oh, it's a bunch of boys? And they decided to have a party for something called Winter Music Conference and Miami Music Week? Ugh, so loud. Too much shouting. Why don't they just stop having so much beat-freaking fun.
Armin Van Buuren. With W&W. Sunday, March 24, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. There's probably no one in electronic dance music who can hold a perfect Lotus position while beat-matching in a dark and crowded South Beach nightclub. Honestly, though, if anyone can execute a maneuver that epically advanced, it's probably superspiritual trance superstar Armin Van Buuren. Now chant: Omm, omm, uhntz-uhntz.
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Last Resort. With Maceo Plex, Michael Mayer, Tiger & Woods, and others. Sunday, March 24, 7 p.m., Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Congrats, beat freaks. It's been nine and a half days of non-stop EDM action. And you still haven't atrophied into a twitching ball of decibel-damaged nerves. Enjoy this Last Resort. It is finally time to celebrate outlasting the uhtnz.