Are you not shocked that Miami rapper of distinction Trina does not yet have a video for her song "Long Heels Red Bottoms"? Well, when we here at Crossfade heard there was a casting call for dancers to populate a video for Da Baddest Bitch's homage to Christian Louboutin shoes, we thought, Who gives a shit that we can't actually dance? It's fucking on!
Yesterday, a few handfuls of talented dancers gathered with two not-at-all gifted dancers in a converted hotel on Biscayne to prove themselves video-worthy. This little lady wasn't going to miss the chance to be a video ho, even if she is a dancing loser. You don't have to know how to move fluidly or deftly to be in a music video, you just need a big fat ass, right? Seriously, if anyone wants their bottom immortalized on the small screen, it's us.
An adventurous friend of the same name plotted our entrance. After some discussion, one of us was dressed like the American flag and the other armored in an "I
It's like we didn't read the casting call announcement. It said they were looking for "Chicago House Style Dancers, Street Dancers, Break Crews, Freestyle." Of course our awkward dance-floor familiarity doesn't match up to any of that. But then there was that last qualifier on the list "All Styles." ALL STYLES! Maybe our enthusiasm would allow us to stand out. And if that wasn't enough, maybe our flashy ensembles would make the difference?
We walked toward the audition room door and heard "Red Bottom," making butterflies in our bellies. There were about five breakdancers sitting around. Each candidate went up -- most solo, some in pairs -- to have their adequate-to-lame movements recorded. One girl finished dancing, and she was good, but not that good. Well, actually, she was that good, but they cut her off mid-song.
The next person was an incredibly talented dude who danced alone behind a red screen with brilliant and funny choreographed moves. They let him go the whole, entire song. His name is Bryan Black and he's been dancing since he was 11. He's part of a Tampa dance crew called Enigma. He wrote and produced a song and choreographed a video for a singer Yohamna called "Lies." Wait? For fucking real?
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No matter how much flare we had on, no matter how much booty we were packing, there was no following that act. If we had gone up, our tryout would have been on YouTube by morning, a shameful warning for other assholes like us to never ever attend such tryouts.
Anyway, Trina, we love you. You are a goddess among women. If you'd let two clumsy white girls dance in your video or possibly just sit in the background, maybe keep the real dancers' seats warm, even just watch you film, you know where to find us.