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Top Ten Thursdays: Top 12 Reasons I Generally Hate Jam Bands

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Top Ten Reasons I Generally Hate Jam Bands.

1.  Jerry Garcia.

Jerome John Garcia was awesome.  He died.  It's over. Insert Duane Allman, Jimi Hendrix, et al.

2.  Marijuana

It's mostly for kids and burnouts. It also generally

softens the harsh edges of horribly boring shows with horribly boring

guitar solos. (See below.)

3.  Guitar Solos

They are often horribly noodley and are at the heart

of "jamming." I'd much rather have a short burst of brilliance that

fits wonderfully into the fabric of a song without wandering aimlessly

through the backwaters of musical scales. (See also: drum solos.)

4.  Hygiene

It doesn't seem to be a priority for attendees at these types of shows.    

5.  Phish Kids

Read this to refer to Phish Kids, Rainbow Family, etc. 'Nuff said.

6.  Hippie Dancing

I ate a half-ounce of mushrooms at a Dead show at

the Meadowlands in the early '90 and ever since then the twirling

freaks me out. The advanced hippie white boy squat looks to me like

the dancer is fucking an imaginary invisible dog.

7.  The Blues

So many white jam bands just don't get it.

8.  Solid State Gear/Effects Racks

Weirdly overprocessed

gain/delay/chorus/compression makes an otherwise fantastic instrument

sound like a pile of gain/delay/chorus/compression-y cow shit.

9.  Refreshment

Haterade is sweet and refreshing and I like to drink it.

10. Songs

Jam bands generally seem to either not write songs

with discernible hooks and sweet melodies, or they seem to obscure them

with the above-mentioned solos.

11. Jazz

Jazz does it better.

12. Musicianship

Being a great "musician" does not mean you actually

play good music. For more information about this see Dream Theater.

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