Art sucks. Get drunk. Music sucks. Dance harder.
The lights are too bright. Turn them all off and let the bass drown your body till your heart rattles in your ribcage.
Throw your phone against the ground, quit paying your internet bill, never trust a wireless modem, and check out these five Second Saturday Art Walk afterparties.
5. Jakmel Art Gallery Drum Circle. Saturday, January 14, 8 p.m., Jakmel Art Gallery, 3501 NW Second Ave., Miami. The party tonight will not only feature the "fifth dimensional art" of Magali Bohelen at the newest incarnation of Jude Papaloko's art gallery, it will commemorate the second anniversary of the Haiti earthquake with an everybody-welcome drum circle with heavy bass rumbling through Wynwood so strong that they'll hear it in Cutler Ridge and feel it in Port-Au-Prince.
4. Ben Westbeech. Saturday, January 14, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Straight out of Bristol, UK, and working out of London on a neverending world tour, Westbeech (AKA Breach) takes his upbringing in classical cello and vocals, and applies it to the eclectic live and DJ set he'll throw down at EP like paint on a canvas. The Champion Sound DJ crew of Sire Esq, Lumin, Mr. Brown, and Manuvers bring the noise and the funk to this "way huge artwalk afterparty."
3. Twin Shadow. Saturday, January 14, 9 p.m., Bardot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-576-7750; bardotmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via bardotmiami.showclix.com. Ages 21 and up. Looking like a Dominican Little Richard, this new-school, old-school New Wave synthmonster has spent the last couple years running through the industry like a hair-gelled freight train. From Coachella to Bonnaroo, Sasquatch, Pitchfork, and Primavera, Twin Shadow ran the festival route. A couple of weeks from now, he'll be down under with the Aussies. He was raised in Florida, lived in Boston, and has a Brooklyn state of mind.
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2. Un_Mute Presents Agoria, Federico Molinari, and Damian Schwartz. Saturday, January 14, 5 p.m., EVE, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-995-5050; miamieve.com. Ages 21 and up. Agoria is French. France acts like they invented art, and most people here believe it, so you might as well check their take on music too. Federico Molinari is from Argentina, came up in Germany, and his label's in Oslo. That's international. And Damian Schwartz was raised in Madrid, plays drums, and likes making people dance.
1. Live Salsa at The Blue Piano. Saturday, January 14, 7 p.m., Blue Piano Music Lounge & Wine Bar, 4600 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-576-7919; thebluepiano.com. Leslie Cartaya and Raymer Olalde will have you on the floor and shaking (gracefully) like a Van Gogh at this Buena Vista craft brew and winebar a couple of blocks north of the Design District. Nice place to grab a quick bite and a couple of drinks before you hit up the other four parties on this list.