It's a blessing and a curse. It's a tourist trap and an aging icon. It's a wonder of the world and a wonder that it isn't under water. Love it or hate it, South Beach is the jewel of Miami, and it's not going anywhere just yet.
The bridge acts as a strange filter. You can find all kinds out there, and even the regular clubbers among us get a little weirder when we touch down on the other side. Some characters are a guarantee, and we'd like to celebrate SoBe in all its absurd glory.
Here are the six people you meet on South Beach.
See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ
The European Tourist
This guy waited in line for 20 minutes to get inside Mansion nightclub, but he has no idea who is spinning tonight. He just knows that it's Mansion, and he's on South Beach, and he's leaning over your shoulder breathing vodka words into your ear. He has a cute accent, but he dresses like a dickhead. This isn't going to work for him.
That Bitch With the Perfect Body
You know she wasn't born with it, but that hardly matters when she's in her thong bikini. She hasn't paid cover or dinner bills in so long, she doesn't remember her signature. She knows all the top promoters in town, and she can get you and all your female friends into the VIP or onto that yacht party. The guys will have to figure it out for themselves.
See also: South Beach's Ten Best Dance Clubs
The Excitable College Kid
These rowdy guys and girls came to SoBe to do one thing: rage face. They're the loudest people at the bar. They're the ones doing shots off of each other's exposed body parts, even though there are children at the beach. They're the ones crying on the side of the street in their party clothes, and no one really knows why anymore. They will not clean up after themselves, and they will want pizza or Five Guys in about two minutes and counting.
The Hipster Who Bitches About Being on SoBe
Resale Concert Tickets
South Florida Symphony Orchestra: Sebrina Maria Alfonso - Masterworks I
Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2019 / 7:30pm @ Amaturo Theater at Broward Ctr For The Perf Arts 201 Sw 5th Avenue Fort Lauderdale FL 33312201 Sw 5th Avenue, Fort Lauderdale FL 33312
South Beach is totally over. Anyone who actually lives in Miami knows that it's all about the mainland. Midtown, Wynwood, Downtown; that's all you need. The parking on SoBe totally sucks, and it's just a bunch of tourists. Of course, the skinny-jeaned dude in all black is telling you this while some English DJ lets loose groovy house tunes poolside at a classic SoBe hotel. Why is he even here? He doesn't know, but the bottle is free.
See also: Miami's Top Ten Hipster Bars
The 2 Live Crew Video Extra
You ain't never seen an ass like this. Tatte'd up and hanging out for all of God's children to behold. That may not be her hair, but shut the fuck up about it. Bitches' bag is more cloth than what she's got on, and that's what makes her so damn cool. If a good beat comes on, she'll throw her hands up and throw her back out, and there's nothing more Miami than this ho right here. God bless the beach bodies.
The Drag Queen
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Under all that make-up, she may be a man, but this party girl is queen of the scene. No matter how much you try to buy it, sell it, or make it over, South Beach belongs to the gays. They bring all the colors of the sun, sand, and sea into their get-ups, and they share that radiant beauty and their songs with the world. They are the dirtiest, classiest, wildest rulers you've ever seen, and SoBe is nothing without them.
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